Ask a therapist > Depression > My fiancé is going through a wave of depression, what should I be doing?

My fiancé is going through a wave of depression, what should I be doing?

My fiancé is going through a wave of depression and is questioning everything. A little background is that he lost his mom about six months after we started dating and I don’t think he ever dealt with grief properly. He just keep saying he feels numb and doesn’t know how to feel better. About two years ago, he broke up with me because he was having a similar feeling I let him have his space and about a month later he came back and wanted to make things work and said he made a mistake. Now here we are engaged and he’s having the same feeling. He just started therapy so I hope that helps. But right now he just seems so disconnected and I want to be there for him but I feel like I need to give him space. What do you recommend for someone who is dating someone going through a wave of depression. It’s very frustrating because we will be out in public and he’s so happy and smiling with everyone around us when we get home he gets so sad and I don’t understand why he has to take it out on me.

Asked by Pholt

Depression

Answered

10/17/2022

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such difficulty in your current relationship. Indeed, it is frustrating to be involved with someone who you care about going through the grieving process due to the loss of a parent. There is a lot more information that would help me address your concerns, such as: How old was his mother? Did she die suddenly or from a chronic illness? You mentioned that he broke off his relationship with you two years ago and then wanted to recommit. How long were you in the relationship before he broke it off? Did he do it suddenly or was there an incident? When you both reentered the partnership and the engagement was decided as the next step, did you both agree that this was what you wanted or was it more his or your idea? Did he ever speak about having episodes of being depressed in his youth? Have you ever experienced symptoms of depression or anxiety in the past? Did you ever seek counseling for these matters?

It's good to know that he has decided to begin therapy to address his issues surrounding his mother's death and other matters such as commitment. However, you need to decide independently from what he wants to do, if you are ready to make a long-term commitment to a person who exhibits mood swings as you have described and is not clear of their origin. Perhaps, it might be best for you to start therapy.

You might want to have a discussion when you feel grounded and safe to share your thoughts and feelings with him about your concerns regarding your relationship. I recommend that you suggest that you both need time to improve your emotional well-being and to develop a more positive outlook regarding your relationship. If his behavior improves (more communicative and his mood is more stable both in public and in private, then you might feel more comfortable and your trust in the relationship will grow. However, if you feel hesitant and not willing to make a commitment to set a date in 6 months, I would recommend couples counseling as the next step.

All the best,

Janet

Janet Wise

LCSW