What is wrong with me ... I can't change my attitude

Hi Mo,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time.  I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now.  I applaud you for wanting additional support to move forward in a healthy way and are advocating for your needs and wants.

I appreciate you being able to separate yourself from the situation and remove yourself temporarily before addressing anything.  I also appreciate you having insight into what is going on.  I am hoping some of the information I provide you below is helpful.  The ideas I am sharing are from what is called both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).  They are concrete, black and white skills that can be used anywhere-at home, school, work, or the community.

The basis of CBT is something called a behavior chain.  It that says we have a thought and the thought leads to a feeling and the combination of the two lead to a behavior or action.  For example, if I start thinking I am going to be late to work and get in trouble, I may start panicking or feeling anxious and then I may start to speed. I mention this because we have 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so it is difficult to be aware of everything single thought we have. 

When you start thinking these maladaptive or unhealthy thoughts, try to catch yourself and picture maybe a STOP sign or a bulldozer.  You want to change your thought in the process before your anxiety or depression increases.  It is also important to identify the thought you are having that leads to your anxiety or depression.  This is important because I would encourage you to challenge that thought to see if it is set in the current situation.  For example, (and I am making this up), if you are thinking "I am an awful mother" you may start to feel anxious or depressed.  The thought about your mothering skills is probably inaccurate.  I would encourage you to challenge that thought with something realistic about how great of a mother you are.

Every time we have a thought, we connect the neurons in our brain and a path is built  The more we think it, the deeper the path.  The deeper the path, the more we think the thought/daydream without realizing it, therefore it can be a vicious cycle.  I am hoping that makes sense.  So, it is important you break the cycle by changing the thought to something more healthy. 

Another skill is called The Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and writing everything inside your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control, outside of the circle what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your feelings and your actions or behaviors falls inside, everything else--other people's actions, thoughts and feelings will fall outside of the circle, just like the weather--all of that is outside of your control.  Focus on what you do and think and your behaviors.

How you cope with those uncomfortable emotions is your choice.  Removing yourself temporarily is helpful. What else may calm you?  Is there any type of exercise or song or journaling or meditation that you could use instead?

Sometimes depression and anxiety can be genetic and sometimes it can be situational.  Individual therapy may also be something to benefit you.  

I hope this information was helpful and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica