Why is it so hard to communicate my thoughts and feelings to my spouse?

Hello and thank you for your question.

I will attempt to answer the question best I can based on the information provided.

Ultimately, the past traumas are likely affecting the current relationship. Thus, a few quick communication skills may not resolve the issues. The majority of the work will likely start in therapy where you can begin to address those past events and practice those communication skills more thoroughly. Individuals will often try strategies like suppressing the thoughts and memories or just trying not to think about things. However, these strategies will not work. It is impossible for the mind to stop thinking or for you to stop feeling.

It may be important to note what about your spouse’s communication could be contributing to make communication difficult. This is identifying what seems to be triggering about these conversations. Although it may be difficult to say what exactly you are feeling, you may still be able to communicate certain things you are not comfortable with. For example, “I’m not comfortable with us raising our voices like this.” Later, you can examine how your spouse responds to you. I have often noticed in therapy that it is not always just my client who has a communication issue. The majority of the time both people are contributing to the miscommunication in some way.

Now, I am going to provide a communication skill related to couples counseling to assist. However, it is important to keep in mind that processing trauma and learning how to communicate emotions, really starts in the therapy process with someone you trust.

The 'I feel' statements tend to be common technique used in couples therapy, but I also use it general as a way to help people start communicating emotions more often. Also, it makes you come off as more gentle in your communication rather than starting with statements like “You” statements which can lead to more arguments. 

• "I feel stressed out when _____."
• "I feel worried when _____."
• "I feel sad when ______."

Also, some people may say the emotions are just so overwhelming that it is too difficult to communicate this. If this is the case, I recommend that people start somewhere rather than criticize themselves for not doing enough. Depressive and anxiety symptoms tend to increase in that way. The best course of action will likely to do what you can even if you feel sad or anxious. For example, some people will become really hard on themselves for not doing enough or not feeling better sooner. Instead, I encourage them to recognize any small progress they have made in their day. In your case, you tried starting the process of seeking out some help so that's already some progress forward. A mental shift to focus on anything that you at least attempted or finished in the day is better than putting yourself down more.

Again, in order to fully process all these things therapy is highly recommended.

Thank you again for your question!