Wondering how I can better understand my emotional traumas and work on them so I make better choices

Hi JBE,

Thank you for your question.  In your situation, I would recommend looking for a therapist who specializes in Internal Family Systems (IFS) work.  In IFS, there is a belief that everyone has a core SELF, capable of being the leader of their internal system.  You know you are acting from the self when you are displaying attributes such as calm, creativity, courage, confidence, curiosity, compassion, connectedness, and clarity.

All of us have various "parts" that sometimes blend with the self.  These parts often develop as a response to traumas or other life experiences when we are young.  They still think we are young children and need their protection.  They do not trust the SELF to lead the inner system so they take over.  You mentioned a number of "parts" in your question.

One type of part is the injured, vulnerable childhood parts that we try to keep hidden or protect.  These parts are referred to as exiles.  Exiles are states of mind and do not have an agenda.  Two examples you gave are "I am a failure" and "I suck at relationships."  As a result of these parts, other parts called "protectors" jump in to help them.  

The first types of protectors are called "managers."  Managers are concerned with the future and their goal is stability and control.  They do not want the exiled feelings to emerge.  Anxiety, or worry, would be an example of a "manager."  For example, if I worry about this problem, I will work harder and not feel like a failure.  The other type of protectors are called "firefighters."  Their goal is relief and release in the present moment.  An example of a firefighter part you mentioned is substance abuse.  They want to feel better now, consequences be damned!

The goal of IFS is to have the SELF care for and comfort all three types of parts.  Involving the SELF in decisions and action, instead of being led around by childlike parts, leads to better decisions and happiness.  The goal of IFS is self leadership.

Additionally the IFS Institute web site has resources.  You may also wish to check out the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz.

Help and improvement is possible!  I wish you much success in your journey!

Sincerely,

Jim Grande, LCSW-R