What bullying can cause?

Bullying is a serious problem that has been linked to a negative self-image, relationship issues, anxiety and depression, and suicide. If you have been experiencing any suicidal thoughts, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

 It’s a devastating reality of our public and private schools. It exists heavily online as our population has steadily shifted to the use of social media in the past couple of decades. 

Bullying can show up in the form of emotional torment and sometimes physical violence.  People who engage in bullying will generally attack anything associated with the victim’s identity, including their physical appearance, capabilities, personality traits, friend group, personal experiences, etc.  This is expressed in the form of name-calling, social exclusion, and ostracization, public humiliation, physical assault, damage to the victim’s items, starting untrue rumors, sharing personal information with others, posting threats/harmful material on social media, etc.  The more people engaged in the bullying, the stronger an impact these behaviors will have on the victim.

Most bullying begins or magnifies during middle school years.  Developmentally, a teenager's job is to become increasingly independent and start to explore who they are in the world and what their own unique identity looks like.  To understand ourselves as teenagers, we look to our peers to decide who we are, who we aren’t, what we want to be, etc.  It’s the most fragile social time of the entire human lifespan.  Being a target of social ridicule and torment during this time can cause tremendous damage to what the victim believes about themselves, and they're worth in the world.  They may begin to believe they are the things people tell them, avoid social interactions because of these beliefs, and develop severe social anxiety that can last many decades beyond the completion of schooling. 

These newly built, shame-influenced core beliefs no longer need bullies to survive—they are heavily traveled now by the victim themselves, replaying the torture of the past.  Because who we are is central to every environment we are in (especially socially), these beliefs will show up in academics, work, family life, friendships, and random interactions with others.  The victim will dismiss any evidence contrary to their beliefs, continuing the pattern of self-punishment.

There are many ways we can work with the impact of bullying in therapy, as the therapeutic relationship itself can trigger some of those beliefs in the victim.  Through the safety of the therapeutic relationship and talk therapy, those core beliefs can be untangled, processed through, challenged, and ultimately changed.  It can take ample time and willingness to be vulnerable, but the brain can change at any age!

Another thing that has power in changing how we treat ourselves is self-compassion.  The more we treat ourselves with kindness and love, the more we see how unnecessary and unhelpful that inner critic is.  A great resource here is www.self-compassion.org by Kristin Neff, a researcher in self-compassion.  We don’t have to remain trapped in the wrongdoings of others!