How can I become more of a positive person that people want to be around?

Hi Rosie, 

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life that you are trying to manage at the moment. Just one of the things that you mentioned; the pandemic, loss of your father to illness, working at a fast paced and stressful job, and taking care of young children is enough to be overwhelming. When you combine all of those things and then add in the pandemic, it makes sense that you are struggling with maintaining a positive outlook on things! We are living in heavy times and many people are struggling with how to maintain a positive outlook when it may feel like there is very little to be positive about.

The first thing to consider is how have you been doing at taking care of yourself? Often when we are so busy, our own self care is the very first thing to go. The things we do for self care don't have to be fancy or take up a lot of time. Especially with having kiddos, I would imagine that time is in short supply. An example of something you could do for self care would be to take 10 minutes when the kids are taking a nap to enjoy a cup of tea, or any other favorite beverage you enjoy in a mindful way. 

Let me explain what I mean by mindfulness. We go through our days and experiences getting through them so that we can "check the box" and continue on to the next thing in our to do list. When we do something mindfully we bring our focus to the present moment and really focus our attention on the things in front of us.

When you drink a cup of tea mindfully you will engage all 5 of your senses.

• How does the cup feel in your hands as you hold it (touch),
• What is the color of the tea in the cup?  Are there leaves in it? What does the cup itself look like (sight).
• Take a moment to inhale the aroma of the tea and notice the notes that it carries. What scents do you notice (spices, lavender, the smell of the tea leaves themselves)? (smell)
• As you take your first sip of tea, really notice what it feels like on your tongue. Is it spicy, tangy, neutral? (taste)
• Perhaps as you are drinking the tea you take a moment to close your eyes and experience this using your other senses. What do you hear in the background? What does it sound like when you stir the tea? Pour the sugar and milk in? (sound).

Although I use tea to illustrate the concept of mindfulness, this can be done with anything that you would like: washing dishes, folding laundry, reading a book, taking a bath. Mindfulness is about keeping our focus on the here and now rather than the thoughts that are circulating in our head.

Another technique that can help with being in the present moment is focusing on the breath. This is a very low key way to help soothe our nervous system when it is activated and help to re-balance ourselves. Square breathing is one such technique. Inhale through your mouth for a count of 5. Hold the breath for a count of 5. Exhale through your mouth for a count of 5. Hold for a count of 5. Repeat this cycle until you feel your body begin to physically relax. If the count of 5 is uncomfortable, you can modify this according to your needs.

You may be wondering what mindfulness has to do with your desire of helping to become more positive. I'll explain. The way that our brain is wired is it pretty much operates under two modes; Danger or no danger. When we are anxious or overwhelmed our brain senses "danger" and sets into motion a whole host of things to help us get ready to fight, run away, or freeze, so that we will be able to deal with the perceived danger. Our brain doesn't know that none of these responses are helpful if, for example, we are feeling anxious about all the things on our plates. Mindfulness is a way to tell the brain "thanks but no thanks. I need you to rev down the response as its not actually helping". When we are able to lower the response, we can then look at things differently from a thought perspective. 

When you are able to take care of yourself and work on the fight, flight, or freeze response, it becomes a lot easier to start to see things in a different light. 

I also wanted to take a moment to touch upon grief and how this can affect our experience. When we lose someone who we care about very much we experience many different emotions. In fact there are 5 stages associated with the grieving process: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We may experience all of these stages or some of them. We may experience them in the order listed here or in any other order. We may even revisit some of the stages multiple times. There is no time-table for grief and everyone grieves differently. Give yourself the space to grieve the loss of your father and be gentle with yourself. 

Another aspect that may help improve things is to communicate with your husband what you need from him and in general. For example, are there things that he could help with and may not be aware that you would like his help? This doesn't just relate to things like watching the kids or helping around the house but also things like needing a hug or being left alone according to what you need when you are feeling sad. 

Sometimes talking with a therapist can help to work through the pressures of daily life. Even therapists have their own therapists, because we too need to talk to someone about things that are going on. There are people who are glad to connect with you and keep you company on your current journey as well as teach you skills that you can utilize to help achieve the goals you would like.

You are not alone