How can I tell my borderline bipolar mother that I need a break from her?

Hello Mel,

Thank you for your question, I am glad to hear from you and offer my sincerest wishes for peace and healing in these very trying times. You are not alone in your struggles to enact boundaries with your Mother. In fact, many have the same exact issue and are wondering how to resolve it with minimal damage to the relationship. Unfortunately, I can offer you a resolution, but I cannot ensure that it will not: 1) be painful to enact, 2) create heightened dysregulation in your familial situation, 3) come without resistance from your Mother.

The issue at hand is one of boundaries and communication. Your Mother struggles to set, adhere to, and maintain both. You do not have to struggle or model struggling with boundaries. In fact, this is the perfect opportunity to exemplify the image you want project, related to healthy boundaries, going forward. In order to set boundaries with your Mother you must first identify your values related to your bond. If a tension-free household is something you value, you can note this as a boundary. You say alone time is needed? This can be noted as a boundary as well. It must be noted as a boundary because as it stands now you are overwhelmed by the lack of alone time you are afforded. 

It may be that you are not accustomed to communicating these boundaries with your Mother. If this is the case, I am going to write examples here of how to start to identify, verbalize, and reinforce boundaries with her presently. Your Mother has both a personality disorder and a mood disorder that can create emotional dysregulation. Is she currently in treatment? If not, are there expectations surrounding her remaining in your home if she does not receive treatment? I might note something like the following when bringing up some of her behaviors: "Mom, we have been living together for the past 2 years and while we have certainly had some wonderful moments, we have also had a lot of turbulence. I often worry about your moods and the behaviors you engage in when I look to spend personal time on my own. I want my household to be happy and healthy. A space for me to feel safe, in the way I did not when I was growing up. I know there is a lot out of your control, and you are trying to be the best Mother you can, so I often say nothing, and I think that has been a true mistake. Things have gotten to the point where I struggle to see how we can continue living together at this point. I feel trapped in my own house. I love you, however there are things that must change immediately if we are going to continue living together. They are the following: 1) if I note that I need personal space and wish to do things independently I would like it if you would not give protestation or commentary. Should you give it, I will not be listening and will remove myself from your presence, 2) if you decide to put yourself in danger, I will leave you to your personal choices, I am your daughter, my role is not to be your parent. 3) there needs to be a timeline for when you might seek to get your own place or find an alternative living situation, as I worry the current situation is very hard on our relationship and I'm beginning to resent you and see you less as my Mother and more like a helpless stranger who struggles to recognize that she is absorbing all the attention and light from a household." 

This conversation may be better held if you make sure to write these the things you want to say down first. Rehearse them. Send them to your Mother to read before you schedule a conversation together. You may also want to ask her thoughts on the situation. What does she notice? Is she aware of her behaviors? Try to be compassionate however, firm and deliberate about this conversation. You are not setting boundaries accidentally and you should not be sorry for wanting to show up for yourself and your child and feeling unable to do so because your Mother declines to care for herself.

This is all very hard. You can do it. Advocate for you! Should you have any further questions, please return to the BetterHelp platform. I really hope this helps and you get the outcome you have been searching for. Please just remember you will not be able to avoid pain, tears, upset from your Mother or feeling this for yourself as you set boundaries. You cannot both set boundaries and nurture your Mother through accepting them. You have to take some energy and time back for you. All my very best to you always! Good luck.