How can I work through past traumas and issues?

Hi Raielle,

Thank you for a very thoughtful question that illustrates how complicated our relationships can be as we struggle with resolving our past.

In order to have the best shot at forging healthy relationships in the present, it can be vital to address the issues from our past that linger or affect us emotionally in the present, since it is very easy for loved ones in our present to trigger situations or memories of our past, without even trying. Of course therapy is a wonderful way to learn skills to reprocess our history so we can move past it and move on, and I would recommend pursuing some level of counseling to gain insights and new tools to accomplish the goals you mentioned.

In short, however, our relationships with others can be hindered if our relationship with ourself needs adjusting first. A difficult time connecting with others usually suggests we may have a difficult time connected with ourselves. Doing some work on our self-esteem can be helpful, as well as learning to forgive ourselves, to let go of past wrongs, and to be able to see how our past shapes our resilience.

I think it is important to accept that genetically speaking, there are certain traits or aspects of our parents that we may not be able to change, but that the traits we don't like having acquired, are always offset by the other genes that came from the other parent, as well as the complicated distribution of genes that may come from elsewhere in the family tree.

So we can reassure ourselves that we will never totally "turn into" one or the other parent, by default of the genetic distribution. And that what traits or patterns we may have acquired that we don't like, we can definitely work on towards self-improvement.

Many people have or had parents who were undiagnosed and untreated, and if anxiety and depression run in your family and you have been diagnosed with these things, the good news is that in today's world, we CAN treat anxiety and depression so that we don't have to repeat some of the mistakes of days past.

Current research shows a combination of therapy and medication yields the most effective results. Family therapy with your daughter is also a good idea, to improve the dynamics and to cultivate a deeper connection.

There are particular modalities of evidence-based therapy, too which address trauma in particular, with precision and good results, such as trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy (TF-CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR).

Also, there are lots of resources out there, as well, such as videos and podcasts and books which teach grounding skills for trauma and anxiety, coping skills for depression and support groups and forums. And more recently, there have been strides in "food for mood" strategies using nutrition-based, natural and holistic types of treatment, as well as movement and creative arts therapies targeting anxiety, depression and trauma and many other conditions. Learning about the mind-body connection can help us break free from our past and instill hope towards healing.

Our children always benefit from seeing us address our personal struggles in healthy ways, from seeing us take care of ourselves. It teaches them how to manage their own struggles and the challenges they also may face when they are a parent.

You have a much better chance of learning ways to manage your symptoms today than your parents may have in their generation. It is a process, though, so try not to get spooked by the bits and pieces of your mother's tendencies you may bump into from time to time that certain situations or things may trigger, and remember the bigger picture and the different journey you are on and destined to travel. 

Thank you, Raielle, and best wishes for strength, healing and wellness.

~~Barbara Leigh, LPC-S