how do deal with the anger sadness and trepidation I am filled with going into Christmas?

Hello Zee and I want to commend you for reaching out for additional support during what sounds to be a very overwhelming time for you.  It certainly sounds like you have been through quite a lot over the past couple of years, on top of a time that was already difficult for the entire population.  It is at times like these that our lives feel unmanageable or that it can be difficult to know where to begin.  I am so glad to see you reached out for guidance/support during this season and are showing up for yourself in this way! I would encourage you to pause on that a moment and recognize that accomplishment for yourself!

Any one of those experiences could feel overwhelming to navigate and you have several major life events hitting you simultaneously...and then we add in the holidays! Undoubtedly that feels like a lot I am sure.  The grief and loss experiences alone can be difficult to find your way through, without all of the other layers.  I am so sorry to hear about the several major losses in your life which occurred so incredibly close together it seems. Especially with your parents.  That is a very different type of loss and can contain so many challenging layers to navigate in the process.  When we experience more than one loss at a time, that can prove to be extraordinarily complicated.  Grieving is a very personal experience and one that is unique to everyone.  We often go through multiple phases and experiences while grieving.  We may notice things like shock/denial, feeling as though we want to negotiate our experiences "bargaining", feeling angry at our loved ones or our circumstances, feeling depressed, and ultimately accepting the loss (even though we may not ever feel "ok" about it).  This process is not linear and we can enter and exit these various stages more than once while processing our losses.   This becomes especially complicated when we lose more than one loved one (or experience) at a time.  We can sometimes find ourselves in various stages with various losses, all at the same time. Talk about overwhelming, confusing and complicated!

We also don't only experience grief/loss over the death of a loved one.  Many other areas of our lives can lead us to experiencing feelings of grief as well.  These may include loss of a personal relationship, a job, a lifestyle, our health, our financial independence, our physical well being etc.  The experience is very similar.  So you can imagine in experiencing all of the things you noted above simultaneously how overly complicated your emotional state may feel internally!

It sounds like there is a lot of hurt, disappointment, and betrayal in your recent experiences as well.  It can be very helpful to work with a licensed professional to assist in sorting out these feelings and experiences and to assist you in learning new skills, techniques, and approaches to manage these emotions in a way that can enhance your overall life experience and satisfaction.   You have certainly overcome and survived an extraordinary culmination of stressors over the past years as you described above.  I would imagine there is probably more going on that you were not able to identify above as well.  Meeting with a therapist on a consistent basis can help you to prioritize what is most meaningful in your life and assist you with getting back on track with maintaining a quality of life that you deserve and can enjoy once again!

I hope this brief response helps to answer some of your questions and gets you started in reclaiming some agency over your life once more! I wish you well in the meantime and again commend you for advocating for yourself and coming forward with your questions today. 

Take care of yourself and remember you are worthy of happiness!