How do I break old habits?

Having issues or disagreements in relationships are normal and can be a healthy part of a relationship. Depending on how we deal with these disagreements, it can definitely take a toll on the relationship and how you two interact with each other. Aside from these disagreements every 6 months, how is your interaction with one another? It sounds like there are some strengths that you two have that allow you both to work on the relationship and move forward. But it is important to determine if you two are moving forward by talking about the issues and finding ways to solve it. Or are you two just moving on without discussing? And depending on the answer, we can see how even some of those old disagreements can be haunting for us.

It sounds like you have stumbled on a pattern of feeling like there is higher conflict every 6 months. And it makes sense that you are acknowledging that this happens as we may get stuck here sometimes. You mentioned how you acknowledge that many times these disagreements arise due to lying. There are different reasons why we may feel inclined to lie or get stuck in a pattern of lying. Sometimes people lie because they don't feel like their partner will understand or support what they are doing. Thus, they may want to avoid the discussion or disagreement and will withhold this information from their partner. The risk in keeping things from your partner is that they may find out at a later time. At this time, then can escalate to a disagreement and discussion as to why the information was withheld. And these conversations can be so uncomfortable so it is important that we think twice about if it's worth the risk lying to our partner.

Part of working on being honest and direct with your partner will be learning to sit though uncomfortable conversations that may result with disagreements with your partner. And if we are concerned with their reaction, we need to share that with them and let them know that this can discourage us from being open with them. In terms of communicating with your children's father, this may be something that happens from time to time as you two may co-parent or share two children. I would definitely think about: was it the fact that you kept this email communication from our partner that got him upset. Or is it also that you are in communication with him. I am not sure what was in the content of the email, but wondering if it violated a boundary for your partner. And if so, do you agree with his perspective? And if not, what does this mean in terms of the relationship?

It's great to know that you two love each other. But if you two want the relationship to work, then you both will need to modify how you manage disagreements. Sometimes the first step is being able to ask for space when you two are upset with each other. Once we have some time to process, you two can have a conversation about your perspectives and feelings. Communicating how you both feel is key to being open and honest with each other. And then finding a common ground or a compromise so that you two can move forward. Being able to get to a middle ground can help you both evaluate the situation, consider all sides, and then move forward in a way that allows you both to feel like you contributed. This can take some practice especially if you both have not done this before or in a while.

It can take some time to implement and change our behaviors especially if it is something that we are accustomed to doing (even if it's not working). When we think about spectrum like behaviors, it can be extra triggering to implement some changes. So acknowledging that and the discomfort behind making changes is valid and important. And I encourage you both to share that with each other as that can help you both align and better understand each other. Sometimes it can be as simple as implementing one small change everyday. Seeing if that impacts how you both feel and interact with each other. And also recognizing the progress that you both are making or the effort you make along the way can help you both feel supported throughout the process.

There are a few self-help books out there that can help with conflict resolution in a relationship that may help you both figure out ways to work together. It may take some time to see some results, but it is important to remind each other that we all have to start somewhere. If you are still feeling stuck or don't feel this will be helpful, you may want to consider individual or couple's counseling services for a more specific and individualized approach.

Best of luck to you and your journey to heal.