Ask a therapist > Family > How do I deal with frustration towards family?

How do I deal with frustration towards family?

I am really struggling with my relationship with my in laws and I don’t know how to handle my frustration towards them. They are very negative people, with very different views to myself and my partner. They are ostracised from all of their other family other than my partner, but seem to think the world is against them and they are always right. Having just spent Christmas with them things have escalated and now I feel like I can barely be civil around them. My partner struggles with them too and I want to support him, but I feel like they are a drain on our lives and bring nothing to either of us other than pressure and negativity.
Show more
Asked by Vicky
Family
Marriage
Answered
12/29/2022

Hello Vicky,

It is very nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to send in your question. You ask a very relevant question, particularly for this time of year. It is certainly a difficult situation to be in. If you and I were working together in therapy, I would encourage you to set clear and consistent boundaries with them. From what you've described, it sounds like they have alienated most other relatives already. They are very negative and take on the victim role and probably think that everyone is out to get them, to hurt them, and that they do nothing wrong, ever!

One important thing to remember is that you can not control anyone other than yourself. Neither you nor your partner can make the family see things in a different way, if they don't want to. This is a common situation, particularly this time of year with the holidays. We often feel that we "have" to see and spend time with family we would not otherwise want to spend time with. 

If you and I were working together, I would want to know more about how your partner manages his relationship with his family. What keeps him in contact with them? It does sound like you and he are on the same page with this. When you do visit with them, setting clear boundaries might look like:

Not talking about any sensitive topics, such as politics, religion, etc.

Setting a clear time limit for the visit - spend afternoon with them and have lunch, but don't spend the entire weekend.

Get a hotel, so you do not have to stay at their house.

Get up, excuse yourself and walk out of the room if the conversations get heated or negative.

Don't engage in negative conversations at all.

If they ask you any personal, inappropriate questions, you might respond with,"that is a very personal question, I am not comfortable talking about that with you."

As this is your partner's family, it would be more appropriate for him to be the one to talk with them about the discomfort you and he feel when you're around them.

Just know, we are all entitled to boundaries and to feel comfortable. If you are not comfortable around certain people, you do have the right to say so, even if they do not like it or agree with it.

I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on your journey.

(MA, LPC)