Ask a therapist > Family > How do I know I have a unhealthy relationship with my older sister and brother-in-law?

How do I know I have a unhealthy relationship with my older sister and brother-in-law?

When I’m always around my older sister I feel less than as a person. I feel like I always have to defend myself because she is always calling out my imperfections, I have gained a lot of insecurities from her while growing up, lately she tells me I have a personality disorder, I’ve never heard of this before, she told me it’s not normal for a person to be able to communicate with different groups of people, but I work in healthcare I communicate with a lot of people and I love listening and learning their backgrounds. My brother-in-law always tells me my alone time is passive aggressive, but I have never wanted to make people feel uncomfortable, I love spending alone time, I love to meditate and journal and read my self care books, but he said I’m causing stress within their relationship. I was blamed for their last few miscarriages and I was told I’m not allowed to be around my sister this time cause she is pregnant, I’m genuinely concern, and I don’t know if I’m the actual problem, but I’m starting to second guess my judgement when it comes to being around them.
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Asked by Caddy
Family
Answered
09/22/2022

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that could be triggering.

Hello...It is a possibility that problems in their marriage may exist, but not necessarily because of you.  You may just be the target of displaced frustrations as a distraction from them confronting their own problems.  It is quite unhealthy to consistently find yourself the brunt of ongoing insults and insinuations.  It may be in your best interest and for your emotional/mental health to have some time apart from them.  It's not uncommon for us to question ourselves when being repeatedly told we're the problem.  Removing yourself is one step to identifying the real problem. 

When they no longer have you present as a distraction, it could force the real problem to surface and they may not be able to ignore it.  Sometimes it's easier to blame others to keep from blaming themselves.  I'm quite sure you have been affected by being targeted and accused.  Such things could cause wavering self-confidence and self-trust.  If you find yourself continuously drained or your mood dampened after interaction with them, that's a sign you're being negatively impacted as a result of being in their presence.

Family relationships and connections are important, but it is better to limit them if toxicity arises.  Miscarriages happen for any number of reasons.  If your sister has had multiple miscarriages, it is possible that it is due to health concerns.  Being overly stressed is not good for anyone who is pregnant, but where is the stress really coming from?  Life is full of stressors, some visible and others invisible.  She could be overly worried about having a healthy pregnancy, along with other things that have absolutely nothing to do with you.  

Working in healthcare you are exposed to various populations with a variety of backgrounds.  Compassion and comfortability are refreshing to those in a healthcare setting who may have feelings of fear and anxiety, depending on their individual situations.  You providing a listening ear and kind words are ways of reassuring them, and maybe putting their minds at ease.  Be confident in who you are and what you have to offer.  Do not let others' lack of self-awareness cause you to withdraw and retreat from who you really are. It appears as if you purposely engage in self-help and self-care to be the best version of yourself.  Continue on that path...