Ask a therapist > Family > How do I not mind the word my parents say to constantly nag me and bother me?

How do I not mind the word my parents say to constantly nag me and bother me?

Recently my mother's situation became very critical and i had no option but to be with my father and we didn't seem to get along well. In front of the world he acts as a perfect person and perfect family man, but in reality i have been mentally exhausted by his nagging and no one seem to believe that he could ever be like that to me. But he makes sure to get on my nerve even when i am just minding my own business and i try my best to ignore (not give my energy to him) but i get triggered and fail. He tells me that i am responsible for my mother's condition hence i shall look after her day and night and how am I like her and will end up like her (not complaining, I'm trying my best to taker care of her). He invalidates every struggle of mine but nobody believes it and they just suggest that I endure his behavior.

Asked by Saila

Family

Answered

11/09/2022

Dear Saila,

Thank you for reaching out through the BetterHelp platform. Thank you for sharing the challenges that you are facing. It is not easy to do this and I appreciate this. I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing right now. It must be really difficult to feel so low and at the same time carry on with your daily life and work etc.

From what you have shared I can see that you are self sacrificing your own needs for the sake of your family - definitely for the sake of your mother. What you are doing is very admirable. However this can also have an impact on your mental wellbeing particularly with the way you are being treated by your father. You probably feel controlled by him. I am also wondering whether you are living with the feeling of being trapped in your life. It is actually a burden to live life under the weight of that feeling. Constantly meeting the needs of other people is so much responsibility. It must be exhausting for you and then life looses much of its joy and freedom.

I would encourage you to look into achieving a balance in your relationships. You do not want to stop giving or supporting your mother but you also need to get the balance right. You need to start getting the things you give, being cared for, listened to, supported and respected.

Changing the way you behave with someone changes the way you feel about them. For example, it is hard to remain intimidated after you have dealt with someone assertively. Most importantly, changing your behavior changes the way you think and feel about yourself. Positive behavior change creates self-confidence and self esteem. It builds a sense of mastery. You could start by behaving assertively in situations that are relatively easy for you and slowly work up to more difficult situations.

If you have not thought about beginning therapy, then I would certainly encourage you to do so. Having therapy would give you the opportunity to talk to someone freely, share your concerns and let everything out. The therapist would listen to you without judging you and give you guidance as to the way forward.

Once again I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope this message helps you in someway.

Wishing you all the very best for your future!

Best wishes

Ms. Rajitha Cruz