How do I put boundaries on my parents?

Ever since I was little I was NEVER encouraged to open up by my parents, I pretty much had to do what I was told and not complain.. I grew up keeping things to myself, but I realize that doing this weighs me down in my adult life.. I want to have a supportive relationship with them, but they aren't encouraging people. They offer or drop off free food, but in the hindsight they will expect a favor because they "gave" me something.
Asked by Emma
Answered
11/16/2022

Hi there!

Thanks for your question. I hope I can provide you with some things to think about and reflect on as you work to try to establish some boundaries with your parents. 

-My first thought is that the process of growing into an adult but still being someone's child can be very difficult. As we grow into who we are as adults, sometimes that conflicts with who we were expected to be as children, especially when our parents still see us that way. As an adult, you can recognize that you wanted encouragement. You wanted to be able to express yourself emotionally and feel supported by them throughout. It can be disappointing to come to the realization that maybe they have not given you everything you hoped they would. 

-My next thought is around wanting a relationship with them but knowing that they are still likely not going to give you what you need. I think there are some ways that you can address this. The first is that you can communicate what you want from them. "I am feeling a bit unsure about this thing going on in my life and I would love some encouragement that I am making the right choice." Sometimes sort of guiding them to what you want might help them better understand your needs. My other thought is, can you focus on having a relationship with them without getting encouragement and support from them? If you know that is not something that comes naturally to them, you can sort of focus your efforts on not expecting it from them. Maybe you can fill your life with other people who did possess this quality and that you can turn to as a support system. 

-Establishing boundaries can be a sort of vague term. I do think it is a great idea for everyone to establish boundaries with each person in their life, whether it is family, friends, or a romantic partner. When it comes to creating boundaries, think about the actual, tangible behaviors that are occurring that do not feel good for you to accept. If they try to drop off food and you question their motives, you can politely decline or accept and if they do bring it up in the future, you can say something along the lines of "I assumed that was a thoughtful gesture, not one that needed to be reciprocated." I am sure there are other examples of behavioral patterns that they tend to have, so think about what those patterns look like now and how you would like them to change. I think that will help you come up with the action that needs to happen on your end to ensure a boundary does not get violated. 

I hope you found this answer helpful. If not or if you are looking for a more individualized response, I always recommend seeking help from a mental health professional who can help guide you throughout the process. I wish you all the best in your journey. Take care!

Cory Bedtke, LCSW

(MSW, LCSW)