How do I set boundaries with my addicted mom who lies and keeps secrets all the time?

Dear Kgurl,

Thank you so much for the good questions. It sounds like your family life is emotionally unsafe due to the kind of messages you are hearing from your parent. Further, if you are not able to relax due to the stress from this issue, then you are probably not getting very good sleep and are less able to cope with other stressors in your life (for example, parenting, working, and etc).

I am glad you have come to BetterHelp because speaking with a therapist one on one will help you recover from the emotional difficulties and will also help you problem solve and strategize different ways to set up boundaries for yourself.

In the mean time, I have a few recommendations for coping.

- MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES. Decide how you want to be spoken to and then clearly communicate this to your parent. If they break the boundaries you set, you can walk away. Consider these questions:

1) Will I allow my parents to swear at me?

2) Will I allow my parents to yell at me?

3) Will I respond to rude texts?

4) Will I allow comments and criticism about my appearance?

5) What else is important to me?

- MAKE SURE YOU RESPECT THEIR BOUNDARIES, TOO. In addition to setting your boundaries, it will be important to respect your parents’ boundaries too (otherwise they will not feel the need to respect your boundaries). Ask yourself these questions:

1) Will I swear at my parents?

2) Will I yell at my parents?

3) Will I send my parents rude texts?

4) Will I criticize my parents?

5) What other boundaries do my parents have that I need to respect?

- PROCESS YOUR GRIEF ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. When you meet with your BetterHelp counselor, I recommend discussing your grief about the relationship with your parents and all the time you lost (in the same way you might mourn the death of someone). Even though your parents are alive, recognizing the relationship isn’t what you would like requires the same kind of mourning process and can help you identify ways you can grow from this experience and then be an even better partner later on (regardless of who you are with). You will be able to share the whole story with the counselor. Whereas others in your life may not be interested in hearing about this or very compassionate and caring about your feelings, the counselor at BetterHelp will be patient and kind (and will be rooting for you / on your side!).

- TRY TO IDENTIFY THE TRIGGERS. We are creatures of habit, and we tend to be stressed or angered by predicable things. It is important to start learning about the common themes of what makes you feel this overwhelming anger. Is it when you are lonely? When you are annoyed? When you are bored? Everyone is different. The best way to do this is to start keeping a log of the times you experienced these feelings. Jot down in a journal or in an app like Google Keep these times, including:

-- Where was I when this happened?

-- What was I doing?

-- How was I feeling?

Over time, you will see themes that can help you attack the triggers.

- IMPROVE YOUR CURRENT QUALITY OF LIFE. If you are lonely, then it is especially important to find ways to get social support. Please consider whether you can join a church, social groups, or if there are opportunities to meet people related to your hobbies or work. Please also consider what connections with your past may be healthier for you. Do you have old friends that you could meet up with more regularly? Please also consider what else you can do in your current situation to improve your quality of life (perhaps a different job, better sleep, better food). In summary, if you are happier where you are, you will feel less anger about where you were.

- LEARN MORE ABOUT STRESS. Physical sensations like increased heart rate, sweating, feeling overwhelmed and panicked are signs of your fight or flight response. This is an evolutionary function of our sympathetic nervous system that helps our bodies prepare for dealing with predators (either to fight or flee). In addition, you may feel your muscles tense up and a surge of energy as glucose and adrenaline are released into your bloodstream. The fight or flight response makes a lot of sense if you are dealing with a physical threat, but it does not help us much when our threat is a work deadline, being late for an appointment, meeting a new person, poor internet connection, or other modern stressors. Indeed, too much of the fight or flight response causes stomach upset, muscle tension, bad mood, trouble sleeping, and eventually even lowered immunity (do you ever notice how college students always get sick right after final exams?).

- Disrupt intense fear or the fight or flight response with deep breathing. Learning deep belly breathing (or “diaphragmatic breathing) is a great tool to add to effective stress management. Taking time to breathe deeply for a few minutes is a free and easy to learn method to take you out of the fight or flight zone and into a zone where you can think more clearly and not experience those side effects. You can Google “deep breathing” or “diaphragmatic breathing” to start learning a technique that really helps most people. You can find mobile apps to help (for example the Breathe2Relax or the Virtual Hope Box app – both are free and evidence-based) or watch videos online that can walk you through it. These are skills that not only help you now, but can assist you throughout your entire life (for example, dealing with road rage, poor customer service, annoying family). You can also disrupt the fight or flight response in the moment with just a minute or two of intense exercise (for example, push-ups, jumping jacks or walking up and down a flight of stairs). This helps use some of the adrenalin and glucose that are released into your blood stream when you have encountered a stressor and leaves you thinking a bit more clearly.

I see good things in your future. Again, I am so impressed that you have reached out for help and I am confident that working with your therapist will help you in several areas of your life!

Best,

Julie

Note: If you are in crisis and feeling like hurting yourself, please call 911, go to your closest emergency department, or call the suicide hotline (the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) immediately at 800-273-8255. You could also go to their website to chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.