Ask a therapist > Family > How do I stay out of situation that has a direct effect on me?

How do I stay out of situation that has a direct effect on me?

I’m a young woman, I live with my mother & brother. I currently reconnected with my grandmother after 1 year of silence. My mother is holding on to the past about how she felt neglected as a child by her own mother. Both woman are very proud, but I feel like my mother just needs to let go of the past & utilize the time she still has with her only parent left. I myself want to build my relationship with my grandmother, but the strained relationship between the two women before me is causing a rift not only with just me, but throughout the entire family. I’ve talked to my mother multiple times about letting go of her pain and stop expecting her healing to come from external factors but that’s obviously easier said than done. My grandmother really did the best she could with what she had. Now it just feels like there has to be a “side” you’re on, but how to have sides with family?

Asked by Treasure

Family

Answered

05/18/2022

Hello,

Thank you for your question. My name is Radka Kozielova. I work for Better Help as a therapist, I’m very passionate and committed to my role in helping others. If you would like to know more about me please click on my name on this page.

It is always difficult when you are stuck in the middle of family rifts. You're completely right that your mum is living in the past, but its her past and something she needs to deal with and heal from herself. I completely understand you want a relationship with your Grandmother and you should have one without feeling caught in the middle or feeling you need to choose. As a parent we try to do the best to our ability for our children and sometimes our best may not seem good enough in later days. This rift is for your Mum and Grandmother to deal with not you. You weren’t around when your mum was a child so you can’t be responsible for her feelings about her childhood. You have a chance of a relationship with your Grandmother and you should take it. Explain to your mum that you are not choosing sides, you're not saying you don’t believe she is still hurt from things in the past, and that you respect this is something she may never get over. Ask your mum to show you the same respect and not to put you in the middle as it’s unfair. None of us are here very long so we need to do what we feel is right for us. Family rifts do affect everyone if we allow it. I think you're being very mature in trying to bring them together but don’t carry it as a burden as this will only cause you heartache. You haven’t said if your grandmother is hurt or upset about not having a relationship with her daughter but I am assuming she is. Sometimes putting our feelings down on paper can help, if you feel Mum isn’t listening, try writing her a letter telling her how you feel and how much you would love the chance for all three generations to share some time together. Maybe suggest going out for afternoon tea or for a walk just to spend time together. Do you think your Mum is worried you will get hurt by your Grandmother? Could your Mum be worried you will build a stronger relationship with your Grandmother than you have with her? Ask her - you may be surprised by her answer. Above all else follow your heart so you don’t have to live with regret.

I hope you and your family find a way to resolve these issues and if you feel you would like further advice or support please feel free to reach out to me.

Radka

Mrs. Radka Kozielova

BACP