How do you navigate through life..being the oldest but wanting to pursue your dreams?

It is clear that your family is very important to you and your relationship with your sister is a special part of your life. You also recognize that birth order is often associated with certain expectations, and that they can stick around, even as everyone becomes adults. The oldest, as you say, may be the one who is called upon to blaze trails, forge paths and look out for their younger siblings. If that was the norm for all the years that you and your sister were growing up, it won't disappear just because you are older now. The rules and roles tend to persist, unless we do something to deliberately change them.

It sounds as if you may be dealing with some guilt about the way you're feeling. The fact that you are longing for more independence does not mean that you are turning your back on your family, or that you don’t value the connection with your sister. It is a normal and healthy part of growing up. But it isn’t such a simple thing to break old patterns and put that into place, is it?

As far back as Jung, psychologists have talked about “individuation,” the process of establishing a clear sense of who you are as a person, separate and apart from the “whole” of your family. It requires setting firm boundaries to increase the emotional and sometimes even the physical space between you and other family members. It's important to note that "space" is not the same as "distance." It can actually enrich a relationship and make you appreciate one another as separate adults. However, because you will be behaving and interacting in a way that is new and unfamiliar to your family, it isn’t surprising that they might react with anxiety or even hurt.  

So how do you create that space with a minimum of drama? Patience, compassion and empathy are critical. Understand that this may feel very uncomfortable to your sister at first, and keep your words gentle, even as you maintain boundaries. Also, take a hard look at how you might be inadvertently contributing to the perception. For example, have you and your sister settled into a comfortable, familiar pattern where you take the lead in making decisions? Are you the tie-breaker vote by default, the arbitrator and calm authority when disagreements occur? How often does your protective gene kick in and move you to intervene on behalf of your sister? When she makes a mistake, do you shield her from consequences? While none of these actions are negative, they reinforce the assumption that you are comfortable continuing to take responsibility for others in the family. Identify and root out those mixed messages.

You can also take steps to build your sister’s confidence and self-esteem, to help her become more comfortable acting on her own initiative. Even in common situations (e.g., ordering at a restaurant, driving to a location, dinner with your parents, etc.), make a conscious effort to step back, stay silent, and wait for her to step forward. This sounds simple, but making space for her is important in changing the dynamic. Be sure to encourage her with positive feedback when she does, and don’t give in to the temptation to micro-manage or veto her suggestion, particularly if she is venturing into unfamiliar territory. With words and actions, communicate: “You can do this. You don't need me to help you." Make a habit of asking her advice or referring to her expertise. Deliberate cultivation of mutual respect for one another's values, opinions and abilities will foster a more reciprocal, balanced relationship.   

If your sister is accustomed to turning to you as the entirety of her support system, encourage her to broaden her network of friends. If you have been on-call 24/7, you may need to curtail your availability. Setting kind but clear boundaries and sticking to them will not only encourage your sister to seek out others, it will also help you avoid emotional burnout and resentment. 

Thank you for submitting the question. I hope that these suggestions have been helpful, and that you and your family can negotiate the steps to greater independence, while also creating an even stronger and loving relationship.