I seem to sabotage my relationships after a certain point and would like to stop doing it.

Good morning there Jim,

My name is Jo and I am a counsellor here at BetterHelp, Thank you so much for reaching out to us here with your question which I have read closely.

I think it is interesting that you have began to draw a parallel between your thoughts and behaviours in your significant relationships. I think that self sabotage in relationships is when you are consciously or unconsciously ruining your relationship or you somehow make it end..

There are many signs of self sabotage in relationships and I can include just a few here in my answer to see if they resonate at all.

1. Not addressing negative emotions.
2. Criticism towards either yourself or your partner.
3. Having unrealistic expectations.
4. There is a trail of finished relationships which hint that there was something similar going wrong.

I am glad that you have felt able to come to therapy as I feel that addressing this issue can be so enlightening and helpful for you.

It does feel from your question that the issue centers around the commitment that is made when we move on from relationship to marriage and the question of having children. It is of course a very big step and involves a lot of thought, dedication and commitment. There are both good days and bad days when having family but I think it is useful to remind yourself that we have some control on how family life plays out. I think we can become really concerned that family commitments will take up all of our time and finances and to a degree that can be the case, however as a parent we can decide to create the family experience that would feel a good fit for you so it need not be total chaos and as a result hard work.

During therapy sessions you can have the safe space to explore all the questions around this difficult and exciting life choice, there can also be the exploration of how you  want to focus on your future and if family is involved in it at all which is a great choice if it is the choice that you wish to follow.

I hope that this answer has gone a small way to encourage you to further engage and explore your question with the support of either myself or one of our great counsellors here.

Please do take care 

Jo