Incredible grief, hopelessness and sadness over the loss of my husband last year

My best friend and husband passed away on a holiday morning last winter and I still feel as empty inside and lonely as I first did. We met when we were 15 yrs. old and were inseparable for the next 58 years. My doctor put me on medication but I don't really feel that much better yet. His illness & death were quite traumatic and I can't get the images (or his voice calling out) out of my head.
Asked by Laurie
Answered
12/30/2022

Oh Laurie,

I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss of your husband.  I am very glad to see you have reached out for more support during this time as it sounds like you are still experiencing some very raw and real pain from losing such an important figure who has been so prominent throughout so much of your life. 

Acknowledging that we are not feeling ok and that we (all) in fact, need more support and assistance to pull us through our hardest times is not an easy thing to identify and act upon. And yet, you have done just that by reaching out here.  I am glad to see you found the strength and courage to do so in this case. 

Depending on how much other support we have naturally through that of loved ones, friends, church family etc. experiencing grief and loss, especially that of a lifelong partner can be extremely difficult to navigate.  While I do believe that time and perspective can help reduce the rawness of the pain we experience ultimately, the reality is that the length and duration of that time varies greatly and can be dependent upon a number of factors.  Given that your husband passed (it sounds unexpectedly) on a holiday morning, it is very understandable that having just gone through another holiday season these feelings would feel intensive and difficult to make your way through.  At times our pain and heartache can feel as though the loss was just experienced even a year or more later. 

In many cases I describe grief as it comes in waves, just like those we experience at the ocean.  Some of them come as huge tidal waves very close together and make it difficult to even catch our breath before the next one, and at other times they come as smaller, more manageable waves that we can recover from somewhat before the next one comes upon us.  In any case, these are very personal experiences and each one unique depending on the individual and the loss that they are experiencing. 

Therapy can assist in providing support during times such as these and in addition to providing information about the grief and loss process, a therapist can assist in helping you understand your emotional responses, how you are functioning etc and help with tools and activities that can assist in processing those emotions  so that they are part of your experience but not your entire experience.  Memories such as what you have described above as traumatic are stored differently in our minds/bodies than other memories and therefore can be very hard to process on our own at times.  Seeing a therapist who is familiar with these processes and experiences can help to better balance and reorganize those memory fragments so that they are less invasive and easier to navigate.  It sounds as though you have some medication support on board as well.  Sometimes when we start those medications it can take time to become as effective as we need from them, so I'd recommend continuing to work with your doctor to find the right therapeutic level for your brain.  It may be that the dose you are currently taking could be adjusted to find a better benefit for you as well.  Additionally there are many support groups and organizations to offer resources and emotional support to people who have experienced similar experiences such as yours and many of these are free/low cost in our local communities.  There are great benefits to these types of resources.  There are a number of very helpful books written on these topics as well which can help to better understand what you are experiencing and can offer tips and suggestions on how to cope through the heartache in the meantime. 

At any rate, please do be gentle and compassionate with yourself in the process as it unfolds. There is no fast track to get through grief and we all grieve differently.  In your case there are many things you are grieving within the loss of this one important human in your life.  This can take time and a great deal of compassion to find your way through in the meantime. 

I hope you found some of these words and follow ups to be helpful.   I would strongly encourage you during this time to lean on others who are able to stand taller in the moment and offer you the love and support you need during this time.  Thinking of you in the meantime and hoping you are able to find moments of peace in joy in the memories you hold with your husband as you try to seek healing and solace.  My heart goes out to you...

-LMSW Therapist at Better Help