Ask a therapist > Family > Inviting estranged mother to wedding

Inviting estranged mother to wedding

I do not want to invite my mother to my wedding. My entire life, she has suffered from alcoholism and other substance issues. I didn’t grow up with her. I’ve stopped talking to that side of the family almost entirely. My mother texted me after my engagement announcement to tell me she was engaged and getting married this summer, to a man she’s been with for less than a year. I don’t think her second divorce has even been filed for. I feel judgmental when I think of where my mom is in life. When I think about how she has acted, I feel ashamed and disappointed. I feel like I need to care for her, like it’s my responsibility to guide her in the right direction. I know it’s selfish of me to not invite my mother, but I want to enjoy this special day.

Asked by C

Family

Answered

05/04/2022

If you do not want to invite your mother to your wedding, I think that is totally fine. Your wedding is supposed to be about celebrating you and your partner and it is important to be surrounded by people who you feel supported by and who you feel happy to include.

I think just because we are related by blood to people does not necessarily mean that we are indebted to them in any way for the rest of our lives and have to include them in our lives. At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own peace, and if people we are related to do not bring peace to our lives, it is okay to not include them.

However I think when we choose to cut them out or not include them in anyway I do think it is important to really evaluate how we will feel about that and if it will bring us actual peace. Sometimes it is reflecting on potentially how will I feel a year from now, 5 years from now about not inviting them, if that still feels like you are at peace with the decision then I think that is very telling that you are making the right decision. However if you feel at any point you will regret then decision it is important to explore why you could potentially feel bad about this decision, what is behind those feelings of guilt. If it is rooted in how they would feel not necessarily how you would feel then I think it is really important to explore those feelings more with potentially a licensed professional. I do think working out some of these feelings regarding your family or origin in therapy might be extremely helpful in coming to peace in regards to these relationship and dynamics. It is clear that they do still create some turmoil for you and it might be helpful to talk that out with someone.

I do want to make it clear that your wedding day is a day that you get to be selfish and should not have to explain yourself to anyone. There are certain times in our lives where we get to put ourselves and our feelings about others and your wedding definitely falls into that category. However with that being said taking care of yourself and protecting your inner peace is not selfish. I believe it is essential because there is no one one this earth that knows you better than you and how to take care of you and how to protect your peace.

I hope this was helpful and wish you all the best!!

Congrats on the upcoming Marriage!

Ms. Korynne French