Is it unhealthy for us to spend weekends with our grand children (8 & 9)?

Thank you for sharing your question. That is such a hard position for you and your husband to be in right now. I can tell that your grandchildren mean so much to you and your husband and that you want nothing but the best for them and to just be involved in their lives. I am sure that it was a difficult transition for the two of you when their parents separated and you had to try and navigate a relationship with their mother. Family dynamics can be very challenging to navigate, especially as they start to include more and more people from within the family. In this case, you are attempting to maintain a healthy relationship with not only your grandchildren, but with your son and the children's mother as well. 

When you think about how your relationship and your husband's relationship with her prior to them splitting, does that align with how the relationship was prior to this incident of her not wanting you to have contact with the kids? Was it something that was building and the frustrated message to her from your husband was the final straw? Working on reflecting how that relationship changed over time can help to see different patterns or instances that may relate to why she is responding in the way that she is currently. Is it just towards your husband, or has she been hostile to you as well? All questions that may be important in trying to determine possibly where things started to break down between the two of you and her, and to help pinpoint certain interactions that may give more clarity as to why she is behaving in the manner that she is. 

When it comes to her conversation with your son about not wanting any contact between the children and you and your husband, did he go into detail as to how he felt your relationship with them was unhealthy? That is something that stood out to me in reading through your concerns and questions. Was that his opinion on things, or is he more so the messenger for his ex? Keep in mind, that again with family dynamics, you are working with multiple systems within the overall family system. You have his system/relationship with his ex to factor into this decision as well. There is a lot that the two of you may not know about his relationship as a co-parent with her that is factoring in to how he is handling this situation and his unwillingness to discuss it more in detail. He still needs to maintain a working relationship with her for the children's best interest, so how may that be coming into play with things? 

Also, you mention that your son is engaged to a new woman and that you barely know her. Prior to all of this happening with the grandchildren, did you and/or your husband have a closer relationship with your son where it would have been normal for you to be more involved in his life? I know that your husband is not his biological father, so how long has he been in your son's life in the role of his stepfather and how was their relationship up until all of this happened? Again, all things that are most likely playing a role in how all of this is impacting you and your family right now.  

It sounds like your son does still want some form of communication lines open with you, but right now he is just trying to keep things very surface level when it comes to details about his life. If this is something that you want to try and facilitate a conversation about, I would suggest writing down things that you would want to say to him and why they are important for you to bring up. That way you are prepared going into the conversation and have had the chance to filter out things that may not be crucial to the conversation. When talking in relationships, it is also important to speak from an "I" statement viewpoint versus a "you" viewpoint. For example, state your feelings as "I feel hurt that I do not know what is going on with my grandchildren" versus "I feel hurt that you are keeping us from our grandchildren". The first statement keeps things solely about your feelings, whereas the second is more of a blaming viewpoint about his actions and he is more likely to become dismissive and defensive. Also, if he and your husband are at odds right now, then maybe you do not involve him just yet in the conversations and keep things between just you and your son. 

Hopefully this gives you an idea of some different perspectives to think about when it comes to the family dynamics that are involved in your situation and how to possibly reflect on them prior to approaching your son about things. You are coming from a good place with a good heart, and I certainly hope that you are able to speak to and see your grandchildren and your son soon. It has to be emotionally and mentally painful to not have contact with them after being so involved in their lives. I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to get some form of resolution to your concerns.