My daughter is 18 she is giving me a hard time, not listening or respecting my wishes

My husband who is the step father gets angry with her and I am in the middle. I love her but she is not respectful and my husband gets angry as I defend her. I don’t know what to do I feel like I almost have to choose and either option is the wrong one
Asked by Sam
Answered
07/16/2022

Thank you very much for sharing this question. I absolutely understand your doubts as it is a very difficult situation. There are some challenging topics involved: end of adolescence/ early adulthood, boundaries, family dynamics... Besides, this kind of impasse, where defending your daughter makes your husband get angry and doing the opposite makes your daughter get angry, is a completely unpleasant, unfair and ungrateful situation for you, as you are just trying to do the best for your family and you are having only arguments as a result instead of the appreciation you deserve.

As far as I am concerned, there are 3 things that could be useful in this situation, all of them related to communication and related to each other: empathy, assertiveness and boundaries. Obviously, it shouldn't be a work for you only, as it is situation where there are 2 more people involved, but I will focus on the part that can be done from your side.

Empathy is not only about taking the other one's side or putting yourself in the other one's shoes, but also is about going a bit beyond that: understanding why the other person feels the way they are feeling and behaves the way they are behaving; understanding the other's side in the other's circumstances. Once we can fully understand the other person's side, it is easier to approach them to find an agreement.

Assertiveness is the ability that allows us to respect our points of view while respecting the other's points of view, including good tone and manners and statements focusing in the way I feel rather than what we think about the others. For example, it is more useful to say "I don't feel listened to" than saying "You are not listening to me". When we say "You are not listening to me", people sometimes get hurt or defend themselves attacking, as they feel attacked, even though it is not what we are doing. Assertiveness is important as it could give you the chance to let them know how you feel and why they should listen to you better. It will be good to take into an agreement.

Boundaries are something needed to set and it's not easy at all with young adults. It is better when boundaries are set in a democratic way (listening to each other, finding an agreement, done with love, but being respected) than when they are set in a autocratic way (mandatory, without love, without listening) or in a not supervisional way (listening, love, agreement, but without being clear and not being respected). To find the democratic way to set the boundaries is really important to use the empathy and the assertiveness to find the best agreement between the whole family.

It seems difficult, but it all can be done and can be taught and practiced, to achieve the best outcomes little by little.

(Master's, Degree, in, Third, Generation, Psychological, Therapies, Bsc, in, Psychology, Msc, in, Prevention, of, Addictions)