Should I ask my mother to explain what happened with my dad?

My relationship with my father is mainly through phone calls. my parents divorced when I was 1 I don't know anything about what happened my dad is not really involved but I deserve to know. I feel like if I ask my mother she won't tell me anything she hasn't done it before but I also feel like I need answers.
I don't wanna ask him because I feel it would be like disrespecting my mother
Asked by R
Answered
12/20/2022

Thank you for your question! It is certainly relevant and has been pondered by many individuals who have found themselves in similar circumstances. It is well established that divorce affects the entire family, not just the parents, so your desire to know more is understandable. Although your question is undoubtedly important to you, I must stress that I, nor anyone else, can make this decision for you. As you alluded to in your question, discussing this topic with either one of your parents is challenging due to the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. So, while I cannot decide for you, I can offer you some helpful things to consider if you should choose to engage either of your parents regarding their divorce.

1.     Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Before discussing anything, know your intention, goals, and what you want to accomplish during the conversation. Doing so will allow an opportunity for success. Likewise, prepare yourself for the converse. What if you do not get the answers you need or want? If the outcome is less than what you hoped for, how will you handle it, who will you process it with, how will you get through it, and so forth.

 2.     Before you engage either parent, contemplate how you want your conversation to go. Think of your discussion as a calm, insightful dialogue rather than a confrontation. Know what you want to ask and tell them. It may be helpful to role-play the scenario ahead of time with a friend or counselor. Being prepared and having these ideas in your mind may help you maintain self-control while correspondingly directing your words.

3.     During the conversation, several principles can be employed to provide an environment that will facilitate a healthy exchange between all involved. The following are certainly not all-inclusive but offer a basic framework to build from.

a.      Define the rules. Before beginning, tell them what the rules of the conversation are, and be specific. Tell them what you want and that it is not about blame, but you need a better understanding of what took place.

b.     Ask your questions calmly, do not attack, express your true feelings, and be specific.
                 I.            Although you need to know more about what happened, it is paramount that you try to put on their shoes as well. They may not have done their “work” concerning the divorce, and the topic still holds an elevated measure of toxicity for them.
                  II.            Speak with “I” statements and take ownership of your feelings. You would want to say, “I felt lonely and confused growing up after the divorce.” That is far more effective than “how could you ever have done this to me.” Be aware of how you are framing your questions.
                  III.            Express your true feelings to them. Without blaming, give specific examples of what you think and feel, how the circumstances affected you, and what you need today. Writing it and reading it to them may be more manageable, relieving you of the pressure to remember everything.

The points mentioned above are just a few helpful tips to consider if you elect to move forward and engage either of your parents on this topic. If you do decide to discuss the divorce with them, I encourage you to reach out to a professional counselor and work it through ahead of time. I hope this has been helpful.

Dr. Timm