Should my husband and I stay together?

Hi M,

I cannot tell you whether to get a divorce or not. That is clearly a decision you have to make.  I do think that divorce should be a last resort. I am here to help you save your marriage.  If you have never tried any therapy, it would be helpful to make the effort and I would recommend giving it your best shot.  The fact that your husband is willing to participate in therapy shows that he wants to continue your relationship. 

It is understandable that you are reluctant to believe him when he says he wants to work on the marriage, however, if there has never been a professional intervention, he may not have had any tools to aid him in making the changes necessary to allow the relationship to get back on track.  Change does not come easy and it will be a process.  I believe everything that is worthwhile takes energy and hard work.  You will have to come into this process with open-mindedness and patience. 

I would recommend that we start with thinking and expressing the facts and circumstances that are really disturbing you. You will have to be willing to share about how your husband has been affecting your feelings and how that has impacted you and the relationship.  We will start working on better and more effective communication skills so you can tell your husband what he is doing or not doing that you find hurtful or harmful.  It will also be important to reflect on the positives of the relationship and the love that was felt when you first got together and decided to marry. 

We will then work on more effective ways for you to tell him what you would like him to do or say instead of the behaviors/words that are negatively impacting you.  We will practice various communication skills so both of you can be more open about your feelings in real time.  I will allow each of you to vent your feelings in an open and safe environment and then discuss healthier solutions to the issues raised.  We will not fix things in one session, thus it will be important for you to enter therapy with long term goals and not have expectations of change in a brief period of time.

You can always get the divorce if therapy does not help, however, I believe that making an effort to keep the relationship is well worth your time.  You may be surprised with your husband's ability to listen and learn how to be a better partner when a professional participates in interventions. 

I look forward to starting to work with you both and to help you both on your therapeutic journey.  We can worry about the destination as we continue to make progress in therapy. 

Taryn X. Temmer, JD LMHC MCAP CCTP