What is the best approach in regaining communication with my parents after several years.

Hello, thank you so much for your question and providing some follow up details. I can tell that you put a lot of thought into your family relationships, which I think is positive. It sounds like in the past there has been toxicity from different members of your family, so it is important that you weigh all options before letting them back in. 

Some thing that came to mind as I was reading your question is boundaries and assertive communication. Boundaries are important to have in any relationship, but especially in relationships with family where they may not have been positive in the past. Basically, I think it's important that you identify what you are and are not willing to accept in your family relationship, and communicate that assertively with family members. 

Assertive communication can involve active listening, and making I statements. Active listening basically involves paraphrasing what other people communicate to you, to make sure that you are both on the same page. It can seem a little redundant at first, but it's important to stick with it because there are common miscommunications in every day life.

"I" statements involve being assertive and taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Like you may have guessed from the name, it begins with an "I" statement, and is typically followed up by a feeling. An example could be, "I feel let down when my phone calls are not returned by you."

I also want to touch base on the possibility of trauma from the toxicity that you mentioned in your message. Sometimes survivors of trauma can have lasting effects. This can result in a variety of issues, such as depression, anxiety, nightmares, and difficulty in relationships.

It's important to remember that healing from trauma it's not linear, and it's OK to take a couple steps forward and three steps back at times. The more pressure you put on yourself to heal in a specific way, the more likely that it will be more difficult to make progress.

I do agree with you that family is very important, and I am excited that you are willing to try to move forward with your own family. Do remember to acknowledge and communicate your boundaries, and I think the relationship with your family members will go a lot smoother. Thank you for your time and your question!