What to do when a family is toxic?

Many people encounter difficult times with family members and in relationships. When those problems persist or involve abuse, some people use the word “toxic” to describe the situation.

Some signs that you may be in a situation that needs to be addressed:

• Criticism that involves cruelty. The family knows us our entire lives, and this means that they often have a long list of things to confront us with when approaching us. Criticism that involves insulting you over every past mistake can hurt and indicate a lack of empathy on their part.
• Fighting, yelling, and insults are the norm. If you find yourself ducking for cover or hiding from particular family members to avoid the potential for this type of behavior, you may be in a toxic situation.
• The emphasis is often on the words that family members use and the volume at which they’re spoken, but silence can be just as hurtful. If family members refuse to talk to you or shut you out of the family loop without telling you what is wrong, this is a form of manipulation. Research shows that silent treatment can even cause physical pain.
• Your personal information gets shared around the family without your input. If you find that what you share gets bandied around the family for gossip, there may be toxic habits in play. Sometimes people share gossip and details about others’ lives as a means of bonding, without much thought about the confidence they’re breaking.
• People take sides in families with toxic habits. If an argument occurs and a family member makes the immediate move to communicate their side, gathering support may be a toxic habit.

Cutting family totally out of your life may not be an option you’re ready to consider for any number of reasons. While you have zero control over other people’s behavior, you can manage yours:

• Just because someone “hands” you a statement doesn’t mean you have to pick it up and engage with it. Imagine yourself stepping over it like garbage on the ground.
• Carefully choose what you share and who you share it with.
• Keep conversations light, breezy, and focused on the other person. Knowing you’re intentionally keeping things at the surface and focused elsewhere can alleviate the pressure we can feel to understand these family members.
• Make yourself less interesting by sharing less.
• Avoid getting involved in the other person’s drama by avoiding comments about other family members or situations that the other person may try to draw you into.
• Avoid trying to mitigate other’s feelings and “fixing” other people’s issues.

Dealing with troubling family dynamics can take a lot of mental and emotional energy. Working with a therapist can be very helpful in discovering communication patterns that may be harming or helping the situation.