Ask a therapist > Friendship > I dont know if this warrants seeing a therapist which is why i am hesitant: Jealousy

I dont know if this warrants seeing a therapist which is why i am hesitant: Jealousy

I have serious jealous & control issues with people I love. I cannot be happy for people close to me if they get something I want. For example, i have introduced a lot of people to my close knit group of friends, and if they all hang out without me I lose it and get so upset. I become so angry and make comments like "you're welcome" and snide remarks. If they organize an event that i am unable to go to i get so anxious and jealous about it that i lose sleep over it. I don't know what comes over me. I am always thinking i am the victim and think people are out to get me, and also that they 'owe me' for things. I know this is crazy and sounds like i am a 12 year old, but i have moments where i can't control this weird jealousy and control over my friends and i am in my 30's now. I find i deliberately withhold information about social events from some friends so they can't come, just to remind them that these are MY friends so they can't always get an invite. My close friend is looking at wedding venues and each time she sends me one i like more than my own, i point out negative parts of it so she won't choose it and potentially have people think her wedding was better than mine. I don't know if this is even something i can 'fix' or what sort of mental shift i need to take to just be happier for the people around me. Its all narcissistic traits and i don't want to be this person.
I have a great life so i am confused at why i can't be happy for others.

Asked by Jae

Friendship

Answered

04/27/2022

Hello Jae,

I think it's good that you are able to recognize that this is not what you want for yourself; you realize this isn't healthy. Part of enjoying life is being at peace with yourself so you can truly be happy for others. There's a saying, "Jealousy is the child of insecurity"; what are some things that make you feel insecure? Do you suffer from low self-esteem? If so, what do you think contributed to that? What are you afraid will happen if your friends spend time together? True friends really support and encourage each other; so when you find yourself responding with negative feedback, stop yourself and ask "why am I doing this to a person I consider my friend".

Start being the person that highlights positive things about your friends genuinely, of course. Remember it takes nothing from you to be happy for others, to encourage them, compliment them or acknowledge that they have something you don't. You will always be you and honestly that's enough. There's no need to be possessive over your friends; it's great that they get along; they still value you for the person you are even when you're not there.

I will say this though, people do notice negativity; they notice when you're being possessive and likewise they notice when you're kind and thoughtful, really strive to be the latter. No one is out to get you or do you any harm. When you have thoughts like this, really think about what you've experienced that validates that thought /belief.

I will finish with this: think about the things that make you uniquely you and really focus on those things; they will bring you joy. You owe it to yourself to never compare yourself to others, you have to live your truth; you are not in competition with anyone, ever. Think about the life you want, think about your purpose and live your life in a way that brings people together; don't push people away, that's hurtful. Show yourself kindness. You can schedule an appointment if you'd like to discuss this further. :)

I really hope this helps. Have a good night. - Vonda

Mrs. Shavondria "Vonda" Jacobs

LCSW