Should I apologize & rekindle the friendship or drop both of them?

Fake names: Ex Crush - Ben & Girl - Clarissa
Been friends with Ben for 2 years ~ Had a crush on him for a bit and was even asked by my friends if we have a thing because he seemed to like me. Fast forward a few months later Clarissa came into the picture. They’ve known each other from high school but just started to hang out now that she moved back. I noticed Ben was liking her quite a bit so I tried to ask him twice about it but was only told they're friends. Knowing that’s not the case, I asked Clarissa to hang out (I see where I went wrong here) to ask her personally if they’re having a thing. She was upfront about it and said they are! I was happy/relieved because that’s all I wanted to hear so I can move on. We had a wonderful conversation and understanding about it! I left feeling better and wanted to talk to Ben about it.
Because his and mine schedule are quite packed, I didn’t get to see him for a little over 2-3 weeks ~ when we finally did meet up to work on a project, I wanted to bring it up after we were done by asking him to eat somewhere. He said he was busy that evening so I thought maybe today isn’t the best. I was about to leave when he stopped me saying that Clarissa told him everything and what I said to her was messed up. So I put my things down and said let’s talk about it. Not to get into the nitty gritty of it, pretty much Clarissa was upset after our meet up. Which left me confused, considering she messaged me right after saying how she had a great time and thanked me for being open & honest and that she’s excited to see our friendship blossom. When we were talking about it I even brought up some things she said like how she also thought he was into me. He gave me some confused looks and said along the lines I shouldn’t be lying because she told him everything (clearly not, since the things I said were new to him). Ben said a lot of things that are tripping me up. 1 - That he doesn’t know if we can be friends after this. 2 - I owe her an apology. 3 - I “shouldn’t be upset that she talked to him first about it” 4 - if “they” decide to not be friends with me that I shouldn’t make it weird in public.

Though I do agree some points he brought up are valid, like not going to him first about my feelings, the comment I made was out of pocket (BUT was twisted by her), and I can see why she’d be upset that I only hung out with her because I wanted to ask that (it’s half true, but I genuinely did want to become friends with her). I can’t help but feel extremely misguided by Clarissa words/actions and what I thought was a friend has quickly became foe.

I have 3 plans.
Plan 1 — send Ben my goodbyes and wish them luck.
Plan 2 — apologize to Clarissa but have a conversation with both of them there so there’s NO confusion
Plan 3 — say nothing and let it play out
Asked by Peach
Answered
05/04/2022

I can understand why you feel confused by this situation and their responses to you. First of all, "Ben" was not honest with you when you asked about his relationship status with "Clarissa". You did go to him first and he was not honest.

Knowing this may have been the case, it sounds like you approached "Clarissa" for more of an honest, clear answer and received one. You walked away feeling better about the situation, at peace with their relationship, willing to continue a friendship with both Ben and Clarissa, and made plans to talk with Ben about your meeting with Clarissa. 

I am sure you were surprised by the turn of events when you learned they both were upset by your visit with Clarissa. It seems you are aware of an area you want to apologize for, which is hanging out with her to find out about their relationship as the true intention, instead of getting to know her more. If you are feeling led to apologize for this, then it is okay to do so. If you decide to apologize, I encourage you to only apologize in that area alone and not take responsibility for the areas that belong to them.

For instance, you did go to Ben first about the relationship and did not receive an honest answer. Also, you did intend to continue to develop your relationship with both of them after you received Clarissa's honest answer. Clarissa led you to believe she appreciated the visit and felt the same about a friendship developing between both of you. I realize I am on the outside looking in and only see the information put in front of me, yet due to this information, they both seem to struggle with honesty. 

You have outlined three plans you are considering. Which one gives you the outcome you most want plus helps you find some peace?  How much do you value your relationships with Ben and Clarissa? Given the circumstances, it is hard to determine how they may react to either plan you decide on. You have been placed in a difficult spot by them and they must also choose to be honest with you for a healthier friendship in the future.

(LCSW)