Why do I feel the need to talk to other people to heal my emotions vs enjoying my own company?

Hi Zena,

Thank you for sharing this with me, I am very glad that you sought help from a professional. I can understand that it is hard for you to find meaningful connection with people. This is a very common issue that a lot of people face. First we need to know what human connection means. It is a deep bond that is formed between people, this bond is based on feeling valued, being heard, exchanging positive energy, and forming trust. It's very easy to have pleasantries with people, and that is important for our social life however, humans need a much deeper connection in their lives with other people. And I can understand that it's hard for you to find suitable people who are willing to make a connection, especially because it takes time and effort, which can be draining for many people.

Humans are social animals, while many people do prefer their own company over others, still they need connection with others. We need human connection for the better of ourselves. We need a strong support system around us, people who can motivate, listen to and positively influences. That is the nature of humans, and we really can't change or try to fight  it. We need family and friends who can listen to our emotions and make us feel heard. They can help us with motivation and encouragement, in times where we need guidance, these are the people we turn to. We can share our joy and moments of happiness with them, and at times, sorrow. If we don't have these meaningful connections in life, it can be harmful for us, both mentally and physically. It would be hard to deal with day-to-day stress and anxiety, or any difficult situations that arise. 

When it comes to friendships, there are three kinds that Aristotle describes: friendship of utility, friendship of pleasure, and friendship of the good.

• Friendship of utility is a friendship between people who are in someways useful to us. For example, it could be a person at work who often helps you with technical difficulties, and you help them by going on a coffee run. Or you could be friendly with your neighbor, because he or she keeps a watch at your house when you were away, and you help babysit their cat, whenever they are away.  
• Friendship of pleasure is when you enjoy someone's company. It could be your hairstylist, how you enjoy talking to and even comfortably share a few jokes with. It could even be a bakery owner near your house, where you go regularly. This is different than friendship of utility, which exists mainly because the person can be of used to us in someway.
• Friendship of the good is actually based on trust and love.  This friendship takes a lot longer to build, and unlike the other two, it is not solely based on pleasantries. This is the person that we can depend on at all times, to help us in our hard time, whether it is emotionally or physically. This type of friendship mainly exists between people who share same views and values. We need to also be empathetic and be there for them at all times. This is the person that we can be sure about, that they will look out for us.

Of the three types of friendship, what you were looking for is the friendship of the good.  This is what requires time and effort to build, it won't sustain without either of them. Think of this relationship is a plant. We need to plant a seed into the soil and give it both time and effort. We need to routinely water it, and make sure it gets sunshine. And slowly from the seed of plant will come which then takes time to grow slowly into a plant, some thing which is still fragile. As we give it more time, it becomes sturdier, and it's been able to endure rough environmental conditions such as the cold weather.  This is how we should approach this type of friendship. If we don't give it the time and effort it requires, it will never build into the strong and reliable emotional physical support we need. This is what you need in your life.

The reason you are feeling the need to talk to others to heal your emotions is because all human beings have a need to be loved and to be cared for. You are good with friendship of pleasure, where you can have talks with them for the fun of it. However, you need to make the effort to build a connection with the person.  And remember, these relationships aren't one-sided, you need to know that the other person is also putting the effort to build a connection. So, take the step forward from friendship of pleasure, and try to create friendship of the good.

Best,

Dr. Saima