Can a person who has lost love ever truly be happy with themselves again?

Hello Cyrus!

Thank you for your question! I think that “in the moment” – meaning at the time when one has lost something important to them – it is hard to imagine being happy again with themselves or at all for that matter. The short answer to your question is “yes”, you can be happy again both with yourself and in general. The long answer is that it takes time, effort, and patience.

There are many unknowns here on my part. Obviously, I don’t know any of the details of your loss so I can’t really get very specific. But, I know it is important for people to acknowledge their feelings first and foremost. If the loss you are referring to is a relationship – a spouse, a partner, a best friend, or something similar – then it can be very painful. It is definitely important to allow yourself some time to grieve this loss. It is okay to feel sad or lost or whatever you feel. Feelings are normal, but sometimes people believe that it is a sign of weakness to experience feelings. The truth is we all have feelings and they are going to be there whether we acknowledge them or not. So that is number one – acknowledge the feelings and don’t fight them or ignore them.

You mentioned children. I am wondering if you have been cut off from contact with them entirely? Are they youngsters who cannot decide for themselves or are they older children who are choosing not to communicate? It is hard to comment on that aspect of your loss without knowing more.

While feelings are normal and we want to acknowledge them, we don’t want to drown in them. So, we are looking for a balance between experiencing our new reality and working towards acceptance of it. This can be hard but it is possible.

You mentioned that you drive for work and are constantly disconnected. That would indeed be hard to feel connected when you are constantly moving around. Before you try to figure out your place in the world – as you said – maybe it would help to simply find a way to heal some of your wounds. It is hard to think logically when one is overcome with emotion.

So, what are some things you could do to start to heal?

1.    The first thing would be what I mentioned above – acknowledge your feelings. You could do this in a couple of different ways:

• a)   Write about your feelings in a journal or a notebook. Don’t judge what you write. Just write. It is just for you and you can write whatever you want.
• b)  If you have a good friend or close relative who you trust, you could express your thoughts and feelings with that person.
• c)   If you don’t have a good friend or relative, you could try the counseling approach. This would provide you with the opportunity to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a “safe” environment – meaning “judgement-free.”
• d)  If you like to write poems or draw, you could utilize a creative approach to acknowledging your feelings.

2.   Some proactive behaviors that you could do to help move yourself out of the sadness might include:

• a)   Joining an online support group that is made up of people who are dealing with similar issues
• b)  Volunteering to help the less fortunate if/when you have any downtime from your job
• c)   If you don’t have time to volunteer, you can create opportunities to do “random acts of kindness” for people you meet along the way while you are working.
• d)  Self-care is important at this time as well. Self-care means getting appropriate sleep, eating nutritiously, getting some exercise and doing things that you really enjoy and value. Some people like to do meditation or yoga, listen to music, read books, go for walks or hikes, play cards or board games, and so on. Self-care is really based on what makes you feel good. It is not selfish to do self-care.
• e)   Some people really benefit from having a pet. It seems like cats and dogs have some kind of sixth sense with their owners. They seem to know when the owner needs a little more attention. People – even on the road – feel a lot of comfort from the company of their pets. 
• f)    It is important to notice what kinds of messages you are sending to yourself. Are you being highly critical of yourself or engaging in other kinds of negative self-talk? Examples would be: “This is awful and I can’t stand it.” “Nothing good ever happens for me.” “I am never going to be happy ever again.” This kind of thinking will just make you feel worse. So, it is important to learn how to catch yourself in this kind of thinking and change the thinking to something more realistic.

These are things that you could do to help yourself get through this very difficult time. Later, when you feel a bit stronger emotionally, then you could start focusing on your values. The reason you would want to focus on your values is because they will lead you in the direction of purpose and meaning. This would help you find your next path.

These are some of the things that we would work on together if you and I were matched here at BetterHelp. There are certainly many other things that one can do to help themself during a time of loss. I hope you have found this information to be helpful.

Thank you for reading my response!

Judi Biniamow