How can grief change you?

“Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.” F. Alexander Magoun.

In the West, grief is something many of us avoid talking about, addressing, or facing in our society. This has resulted in both an increased denial and fear of death. Death has become increasingly hidden from public view, and perpetual youth and health values have been elevated and glorified, reflecting this inherent fear of death. In previous cultures and societies, death was a common, unavoidable part of life. It was honored through rituals and religious and spiritual values, allowing the mourners to grieve their loss. In many ancient societies, the mourners wailed, wept, and cried openly, and those closest to the loved one who passed were allowed a period of mourning. In contrast, in our modern society, many companies only offer 3 days of bereavement leave. There is pressure to return to work as soon as possible and return to normal functioning. Not only is there not enough time afforded to the mourners to grieve but there is an unspoken message that it is time to get on with life and get over it.

Honoring one’s grief is an important task as losing a loved one is a life-changing experience that might result in personality changes, change of values and beliefs, loss of faith, and increased isolation. It might feel like time has stopped for one who is grieving while the world continues to speed by. If the mourner does not take the time to grieve properly, take time away from work and other social obligations, but continues to distract from painful feelings by staying busy or throwing oneself into work, they might develop something known as complicated grief. While acute grief occurs in the initial stage of loss and may be marked by feelings of numbness, anguish, anxiety, anger, sadness, denial, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness, forgetfulness, complicated grief is marked by impairment to major areas of life such as relationships, work, social interactions, or self-esteem that occurs 12 months after the bereavement. Symptoms of complicated grief might include maladaptive thoughts or behaviors related to death, emotional dysregulation, depressed mood, social isolation and withdrawal, yearning, or suicidal ideation and desire to join the loved one. If you have been experiencing any suicidal thoughts, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

By honoring one’s grief and how it can change one’s life path, values, and beliefs, one can make meaning of one’s own personal loss and return to a new normal, which does not involve forgetting the loved one, but beginning to accept the loss and rebuild one’s life. Joining a support group or getting grief counseling can be helpful ways to heal from acute or complicated grief.