How can I deal with delayed grief in an effective way?

Hello Kay,

I am so glad you have taken a big step to reach out for some help and support with what you are going though in your life. To me it sounds as though you are dealing with what is known as ‘compounded grief’.  Compounded grief is experienced when a person has experienced several consecutive losses in their life back-to-back.  I can see this is what you have experienced. You have now lost both parents as well as your grandma and your aunt.  I am wondering if the loss of your father was such a difficult time for your mother and therefore, ‘no time or space for you’.  Were you attending to other people’s grief needs and perhaps not your own at that time and then that pattern continued until now?

Sometimes, it can seem like someone isn’t grieving at all after an immediate loss. But sometimes we are not able to fully process our reactions for reasons such as:

• Feeling so shocked by the loss (of your father?)
• Experiencing “busy” thoughts (distracted by other’s people’s grief needs?)
• Becoming easily overwhelmed (it is just too much?)

Perhaps you may not have display the usual symptoms of grief right away, but later - and sometimes, even significantly later, which seems indeed the case for you. This is known as delayed grief.

In short, delayed grief is a reaction to a loss that is often experienced months or even years after the event occurs.

It is important for you to know that we understand that grief does not always occur in prescribed or fixed order. Grief very often is not a linear process for everyone.

Delayed grief can touch anyone, including those who do not seem to be grieving at first after loss at all, as well as for people who started to grieve after a loss/es but thought they were starting to heal from it.

Although a time has passed since your many losses, for some people the grief can still impact you as though it happened just yesterday.

Delayed grief is most often caused by our inability to process this shock of loss at the time when it happens. This is can very often due to social or professional obligations at the time of the loss, which could force you to hold back your emotions to function and “get through it.”

Delayed grief also often occurs after the busyness, obligations and responsibilities of tasks starts to significantly slow down.

For example, someone may not be able to process the loss of their spouse or parent at first because they’re busy handling funeral arrangements or feeling anxious over sudden financial pressures.

Perhaps your delayed grief is now emerging simply because you actually have the time, the stillness, and space to confront/deal or address the loss and feelings you’ve been repressing for so long.  You might have been in shock when you had your first loss in 2015 and subsequently the other losses were ‘on hold’ because you were still struggling to come to terms with first.  In your circumstance – you were having to deal with a succession of losses one after another.

Delayed grief is your body finally processing emotions you’ve been needing to express. The body finally feels safe enough to experience and feel these emotions fully.

Delayed grief can also be triggered by a sudden reminder of the loss, which causes the feelings to reemerge.

As with grief in general, delayed grief is a powerful, multifaceted reaction, not a single reaction. And it doesn’t affect everyone in the exact same way.

Delayed grief is a reaction to your unprocessed emotions/feelings.  It can result in stress that can often show itself in several different ways.

Delayed grief can sometimes also lead to both emotional and physical symptoms, including:

• troubling recurring memories of the loss
• recurrent dreams or even nightmares about the persons you have lost
• difficulty sleeping
• strong feelings of sadness
• strong feelings of longing
• feeling lonely
• anger (more easily triggered than previously) 
• difficulty focusing or concentrating
• low energy levels
• increased fatigue
• unexplained aches and pains
• anxiety
• mood swings
• changes in appetite – eating more or less
• feelings of apathy

In many ways, dealing with delayed grief can be like coping with other forms of grief - you are just trying to learn to manage those feelings at a later time - and it sounds to me that for you that this time is now.

So, giving yourself some time to feel what you’re feeling may be the best thing you can do. Remember there is no timeline to follow or deadline to ‘get over it.'

Giving yourself time and space to experience these emotions is the best way to begin healing from loss.

You might also want to consider postponing major life decisions while you’re dealing with your feelings of loss, such as:

• moving
• changing jobs
• having another child

Remember that your feelings might come in waves. Just because you feel better for a bit, then worse, doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It’s just the nature of how grief can affect people.

Trying to be kind and patient with yourself and doing your best to take care of your health while you grieve can be important steps on your path to healing.

Consider building a self-care routine into your day while you cope with how you’re feeling.

Remember that it is quite reasonable to think and talk about the people you have lost in your life.

Here are some examples of what I have found that some people have might found helpful:

• Connecting with else friends or family who have shared the loss
• Consider writing a a grief journal
• Consider joining a bereavement support group, there are some online option these days if you prefer to an in person group

With delayed grief I find it has been helpful and cathartic for people to recall stories, experiences, meals, and music they had or enjoyed with the deceased to honor their memory and increase positive emotions.

If you continue to be challenged by feelings of grief, you might want to consider reaching out to a therapist or other mental health professional.

If your mood has been persistently impaired for a few weeks or more, you may be experiencing some depression.

I would suggest that a therapist can help you determine if you could benefit from additional treatment such as individual psychotherapy or medication.

Contrary to how it is often portrayed in popular culture and media, including social media these days too, grief does not have a “normal” timeline. It can indeed start at any given  time and reemerge when you least expect it — including years after the initial loss.

So to summarize if you are dealing with delayed grief, just know it is not unusual and there is ‘nothing wrong with you’ certainly nothing to feel bad or guilty about, and it is possible to feel better – but you may need support and it may take you time to process. There are no shortcuts through grief, but with time and space, you may find it becomes less challenging to cope with your loss.  The most effective way for you to manage your grief would be to find your best option for you to deal with it.  If you are unsure where to start, I would strongly encourage you to reach out to a therapist to guide and support you through the tasks of processing your many losses. 

I wish you much luck with finding your next step in your journey of dealing with the many losses you have experiences.

In Kindness,

Gaynor