How can I deal with grief? Is it really that hard?

Dear Ave,

Grief is a complicated process. It is also not a process that will be completed from start to finish within a certain period of time. If someone injures their ankle or their foot a doctor will be able to tell them how long it will take for that injury to heal, but the emotional injury that comes with losing a loved one is not something that has a set healing time frame. The waves of emotions that come with grief also do not have set points for when they start or finish.

It sounds like your grandmother was "your person" in life that was there for you no matter what. It is especially not easy to lose the person who helped you feel safe in the world. I am sure that not having her around over the last two years has been very difficult. It seems like you were in a position where you had to be strong after she first passed away, so you potentially did not really get a chance to grieve at that time. It is very common for people to feel like a year or two later after a difficult loss they are starting to feel heavier emotions. 

Honestly, the best way to manage your grief is by actually allowing yourself to feel your feelings as they come up. Pushing the feelings down is not going to help right now. I know that when that deep sadness comes up it can be hard to push through it and go about your daily life. The best you can do is be kind to yourself and allow the sadness to flow. You can work through the sadness through individual therapy sessions, grief support groups, talking to someone you trust, journaling, or through meditation. 

Another way to deal with grief is to acknowledge what feels difficult. For example, if someone recently lost a loved one and it is hard for them to just get out of bed in the morning then they will need to consider how to change the flow of their routine. It might be beneficial for this person to focus on when they do something as opposed to all the things they have not been doing. Sometimes it might feel like focusing on the essentials is the best way to go when it comes to activities of daily living that involve hygiene, self-care, chores, and work or school responsibilities. 

Another piece of the puzzle with all of this is managing interactions with other people. It can feel like a tall order to expect other people to fully understand how you are feeling because they truly might not understand. They can hopefully understand you explaining that you need some time to cope with your grief or you need to take things slower with work or school. If there are certain people in your personal life who do not respect boundaries well you can make the decision to distance yourself from them. It is also okay if you do not feel the same right now with socializing in general considering everything you are going through.

Long story short, even though grief does not have a set end point as time goes on there are aspects of the grief experience that start to feel different. People often say that they start to feel less emotional pain or try to focus on doing things to honor the person they lost. It can feel comforting to light a candle in memory of the person or blow out candles on a cake for their birthday so that you still feel some sense of connection. Regardless of what your religious or spiritual beliefs might be, for the most part it can feel comforting to feel like there is still a sense of the person you lost being in your life. I hope you find this information helpful. My condolences for the loss of your grandmother.

Best,

Jasmine