How can you feel whole and alive again after losing such a great loss?

Dear Bambi,

I am glad that you reached out to get some guidance and help with this deep loss in your life!

First of all, I am so sorry that you lost your brother this year.  It is not something that is easy to sit with, to lose our siblings.  We are supposed to be very old when we lose our siblings and it sounds like you lost him way too soon. 

It is very painful to lose your brother!  There is a deep pain that is connected to losing those that are closest to us.  I want to help you have some guidance and support in moving through and forward in the emotions and into the future without your brother.  

The reality of losing your brother is going to change you from the inside out.  That change is inevitable and in order to move through the emotions, you have to allow yourself to be changed by the pain.  You will not go back to the person that you were before you lost your brother.  This loss is going to change you and it will feel like you will not be able to get through, at times, as it sounds like you have felt in the past.  The feelings are going to be painful and change how you see yourself, the world, and other people.  It is very common for people who have lost loved ones to say that they have lost trust in the world and or in people.  Know that that is common and is something that is important to sit with and work on and through.  

I want to talk about how to move forward through the emotions of losing your brother.  

It is going to be important to feel the emotions that arise in your body mind and soul.  Grief is a wild roller coaster of emotions.  But the difference between grief and a roller coaster, is that you don't know when you will feel the depths of emotions that arise with grief.  Learning that you will have emotions come up and that they can move through your body and help you to move forward, is so important.  It will help you to allow the emotions to come up and move through you.  I encourage you to feel the emotions as they arise.  I know that at times, we don't have time and space to sit with your emotions.  So when your emotions come up when you are busy and can't stop and be with them, seek to let yourself come back to those emotions soon after you have to push them away.  

Many folks talk about how grief comes in stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Know that those stages will come and go.  

Our bodies will store up emotions for a while but after a while, if we don't allow the emotions to come up and move through us, they will come out sideways.  When our emotions come out sideways, they can come out in different ways ... Anxiety, Depression, Anger, and or physical health issues.  So it is important to allow our body mind and soul to feel the emotions that are needed regularly.  

I am glad that you have been coping better than in the past.  It seems like you have been able to move through perhaps some of the toughest feelings connected to the early time of losing your brother.  And know that this deep struggle right now will also move through you too.  These challenging times will continue to move forward as you continue to listen to and care for yourself and your emotions.  

I also want to encourage you to do the things that you loved to do with your brother.  You had said that going to the gym as well as laughing has been helpful.  I wonder what else you can do to remember your brother and enjoy what you did do when you were with him.  These actions are important to do to care for yourself and move through the emotions that are going to continue to come up.  

He had told you that you should keep being a Blessing.  I wonder how you can keep being a blessing in order to honor him.  What would that look like for you?

You also expressed that you're feeling all alone, and losing trust in people and also feeling like the world is against you.  These are very important feelings to acknowledge and feel.  These are going to be hard to feel and also important to talk about with someone you trust and feel safe with.  

The question that you asked is how to be whole and feel alive again.  I want to talk about how to feel whole.  Most people do not feel whole for at least a year, sometimes even more after the loss of someone close to them.  And you can get to that place as you continue to seek to feel your emotions, remember your brother and also be wise with all your thoughts as they come up.  You will come to a different wholeness that you have never had before, because loss of someone so close to us makes us change deeply.  And you will be able to move into wholeness in a different way.  

You also asked about feeling alive again.  I wonder how you are doing with seeking to do the things that you love.  I know that in the depths of pain we sometimes will get lost in not doing things that we love and things that fill us with goodness.  I want to encourage you to make time and space for things that you love and that bring you joy and goodness.  

This is a very painful time and it is so important to get the support that you need.  I would encourage you to open up about this honestly with people who support you well.  It is so good to be able to express yourself openly and also to be loved in all that you expressed.  I encourage you to build into your life safe and open spaces to communicate about how you are doing.  It is important that these people are safe and loving towards you and can hold space for all the emotions that naturally come in these challenging times.  

Many folks also deeply appreciate having a therapist's support in this time of loss and pain.  If you are feeling that you are stuck, it would be wise to talk with a therapist to help you to move forward wisely.  

I hope that this was helpful in guiding you.  

I wish you the best of luck.

Paula