How do I find patience and grace while supporting my grieving husband?

Hi, and thanks for your question.

I'm sorry for your husband's loss, as well as what you're going through.

The grief process is unique to everyone (and everyone it touches, even if not directly affected), and (as you probably know) there isn't a set timetable in which a person's experience fits. That being said, it's quite common for it to wax and wane over a period of years until various anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, other date-specific milestones, etc. have been experienced after the loved one has passed. As you might imagine, all of those kinds of things often have the effect of "triggering" a new dimension of grief that must be experienced and incorporated into the grieving individual's sense of self and their understanding of their life's narrative.

With that in mind, it's quite natural for your husband to be having a hard time in general (it has only been nine months since his father passed), and perhaps specifically right now while you're expecting your second child. It's completely normal and expected that his thoughts might be turning to how his father will never get to meet this child or share important moments or milestones with them; in that regard, he may be confronting previously-unconscious images in his mind of what those life experiences were going to be like that were envisioned long, long ago and lived far beneath his conscious awareness until his father's passing suddenly (and unexpectedly) brought those images to the forefront, only for the purpose of realizing that they will never be fulfilled. To that end, the grief process is complex and multi-layered; not only is he grieving the loss of his father, he's also grieving the loss of future memories made. Potentially adding confusion to the matter, those kinds of processes are also new experiences in and of themselves, which can further throw the grieving person for a loop, so to speak. In that context, it's not uncommon for them to also feel as though they "shouldn't" feel happy or positive about present or future events. That particular phenomenon, while frequently encountered in the grieving individual, can further be compounded and/or intensified if the relationship was strained in any way, had a history of conflict and/or unresolved conflict or if the person is unaware of the dynamic mentioned above (regarding the necessity for the grieving person to acknowledge their past visions for how the future would be with the loved one who passed, and the necessity to essentially re-write a future vision for how those experiences will go).

It also sounds as though you may have relational needs that aren't being fully met as a result of your husband's grieving process. Nevertheless, the grief process can't be rushed; if it is, it can actually become prolonged, as the customary grief process would be interrupted if rushed. If either of you need additional support during this challenging time, it can be extraordinarily helpful to reach out to a therapist who can help you both process and understand these complex (and perhaps even sometimes conflicting) feelings you both may have around this topic, support and understand each other during this difficult time in your lives and in your relationship, and ultimately grow stronger together as a couple in the process.

Best wishes to you both.