How do you begin working on (like a parent dying when ur young) traumas and how it affects you today

Acknowledge that 12-year-old self

Hey Clare, it is tragic when kids have to grow up in a world where they lost a parent to an early death. I am sad for the child version of you who lived through that. I am sorry that your mind was formed in a world without the nurturing of a mother. You can see how a mind with context and perspective of the world is ripped to shreds when the person who has been there since conception dies. 

It works differently for everyone, but when something abrupt and abnormal happens in life, we are left to deal with it and make sense of it. When we lose the person who may have been the one to make sense of life for us, we are left to figure out another way to live this new life. The crappy part is that even though you were 12 and not 3, there were still a lot of perspectives that you needed from mom. You did not lose mom at a critical age when attachment bonds were formed, thus affecting life to a visceral level, but you were still affected when your mind had to make sense of life without mom. Now you live in a world with a God or world that you may have seen take her from you. 

Just like that, mom is gone. Your mind starts to forget her. You begin to learn to live without her. It's unfortunate. This is why the word tragic is the all-encompassing word to use here. Loss at any time in life is sad, but the loss of a parent as a child who does not yet know independence does not yet know how to figure things out on their own is so much more painful. It's critical to remember that the 12-year-old self in pain is still there in time, living in pain. 

To answer the question as to how you start to "deal" with this loss, you have to acknowledge that 12-year-old self that suffered and is suffering. You have to give that kid what they needed at the time. For example, if you can start to think about yourself at 12, you today would have to imagine interacting with that kid and ask yourself, "what would you say to them?" What would we say to our junior self to give them what we needed our entire life as we know it now? What thoughts or ideas, or beliefs could we help impose on them that they could benefit our version today. 

The short answer is validation and love. Many people give their younger selves a hug or acknowledgment. Much childhood trauma and loss is held in that same way today, but rather than acknowledging it; we spend much of our life trying to remedy it. We spend entire paychecks trying to distract from the pain. We seek careers, and busy work and stress thinking it will shut up the voice inside that says we are in pain, or not enough, or alone. We have to acknowledge that voice of us at 12-years-old and give that kid what they need, validation. 

It's OK to be in pain. Remind yourself that. Pain is natural. As we recall him today, we can tell our 12-year-old self that it's OK, it's OK to be sad, this sucks, and I support you.