Ask a therapist > Grief > How to feel better after my husband's death

How to feel better after my husband's death

I have been in a depression since about June. I think the main reason has been my husband's health. He had to go into a care home in December. I had to move and it is the first time I have lived alone. We have been married 51 years. His health continued to deteriorate and he died in August. With all his health problems I know it was a blessing but after seeing him everyday I have the big gaps in my day. I am bipolar (for nearly 30 years) and just starting a higher dose of meds. I have a daughter who lives close and she says I’m grieving. I am trying to keep busy but have no enthusiasm. My son lives 150 miles away. I’m so full of misery but don’t want to be a burden
Show more
Asked by Stacy
Grief
Answered
10/30/2022

It is very difficult to lose someone that you have spent almost all your adult life with.   I'm sure you were a caretaker as well as your husband's health declined. 

There is sometimes survivor's guilt which is feeling guilty that you remain after their death.  There is no right or wrong way to mourn. 

The grief process involves stages: denial when you cannot accept they are gone, feeling depressed and angry about the loss, and eventually acceptance.   After such a long marriage, in many ways you have to reinvent yourself, which usually involves making new or using existing friendships to have others to do things with, being more involved with your daughter and her family and possibly grandchildren or great grandchildren, and finding new activities that you enjoy. 

As you have had a mood disorder for a long time, you understand the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder.  Therapy also can help you with your life changes.  A therapist can help you work through your grief, set goals, and provide support.  CBT therapy can look at your thinking patterns and help you see your emotions more as a product of thinking and behaviors.   In therapy, many people are able to change their thinking patterns and feel more motivation and empowerment.   

It is important to try to put some structure in your life, find new ways to have meaningful activities.  Some people find that volunteer work helps them and also gives them more meaning and purpose.   Support can also come from churches or clubs in the community.  Some areas have senior centers where there is more opportunity to meet other people and be more involved in activities.   

I know it is hard to find the motivation, but staying idle and isolated will only make the depression worse.  Sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it."   

It is also important to take care of you.  Do things that you enjoy or enjoyed in the past for yourself.  Eat as healthy as possible, exercise if possible, stay involved and linked to any churches or clubs, call others and reach out, be as involved as possible with your daughter and other family members, and continue to stay connected with your psychiatric and medical physicians.   

As I stated earlier, therapy would also be helpful to teach you new coping skills and help you continue to process your feelings through the grief process.   You can find meaning and purpose in your life, it just may be different than the spouse and caretaking role you had with your spouse. 

I think one of the most important things is being willing to ask for help, like you are doing now.  You are not a burden to others, you need to challenge that thinking.  You have many years of wisdom and love to offer others.   I know it's hard right now, but the grief will get better.