How to help with feeling numb while trying to grieve your mum?

I recently lost my mum last month to cancer she was my best friend my whole life has changed. I am 20 and I’ve now taken on the house and all the bills and I just feel numb
Asked by Chico
Answered
10/31/2022

Hi Chico

I am so sorry to hear that you recently lost your mum to cancer. That must be very traumatic for you, most especially because she was also your best friend so your whole world as you know it has suddenly shifted overnight and it sounds really disorientating.

You have also mentioned that you are 20 years old and have taken on the house and everything that comes with that such as sorting out the bills - this feels like added responsibilities at such a young age and whilst navigating very new grief - I wonder do you have a support network that can help you in this challenging time? Perhaps a friend, colleague, neighbor or a bereavement support group in your local area or online. Often this can prove to be a really valuable source of comfort when you are experiencing grief and give you a space where you can 'lean in', express yourself freely and get help with those practicalities that come with running a home.  You may also consider seeking out some specialized bereavement counseling, the common suggestion amongst mental health professionals is to seek this kind of support after around six months or more has passed to allow the natural grieving process to take place. 

It might also be helpful for you to create some space to read about the grief process, to make sense of what you are feeling. You speak about feeling numb as you are trying to grieve your mum and I wanted to reflect that this is a normal part of the grief process, you are not alone and there is support out there to help you.

As a starting point, I can suggest reading about The Four Stages of Grief by Bowlby and Parkes as you may identify how you're feeling in that first stage of 'shock and numbness' which can occur very recently following your loss. You may feel like you 'shut down' and 'numb out' - this is often a temporary or transiting feeling, and a normalized coping response to enduring such a traumatic life event like bereavement. 

It's really important to note that there is no 'right' way to grieve and each day may have points where you are riding the wave of numerous emotions. It can be helpful to keep a daily routine which has its core emphasis on self care such as eating healthily, taking gentle walks, journalling your feelings, keeping a sleep schedule, using a meditation app such as Headspace. You don't have to make any big decisions in the midst of grief and you can ask for support and time out. 

Be kind to yourself and take each moment as it arrives and please remember that you don't have to experience these overwhelming emotions all on your own, there is compassionate support when/if you're ready to take that step.