I don’t have control over my thoughts, I don’t know what to do and I don’t like it

Dear Tim,

I am glad that you are reaching out for help and wanting to get some support and guidance with this time in your life.  It is important to reach out when you are unsure what to do with your struggles.  

It makes sense that this time in your life is very big and scary and unknown!  You have been with this person for six years. You have built a life that includes them and also I am sure dreamed about what the future would hold and built dreams and hopes and a life that involves them.  Now you are stepping into a big unknown with seeking to let this person go and move on into the great unknown.  

This is going to bring about many different possible emotional, physical and mental struggles for a human.  This is a loss.  Loss is deep and painful and really does take over our lives for a season.  So know that this is going to be a journey of healing and forward movement.  You will have ups and downs.  You will have times that it seems like you won't be able to take one more step and other times that you will be surprised that you can see forward from where you are at.  I don't know if you have ever had any other losses in your life, but loss is a deeply painful reality!  

I want to address several things to help you with your next steps.  
First of all, I want to validate the pain and struggle of loss.  You are going to feel very lost yourself while your body mind and soul adjust to the reality of not having your partner.  Please learn to have grace and kindness and compassion for your pain in this time.  You are going to be sad, angry, confused, surprised, in shock, in denial.  You are going to go through many different emotions in short periods of time.  

Many of my clients that go through losses such as a loss of a long term relationship, really get help from learning about grief and loss so they can feel normal in this pain and struggle.  I would encourage you to read this article to help you to feel more normal in this process of saying goodbye well to this relationship, to who you were with this gal as well as to the time that you had with her.  

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/coping-with-the-end-of-a-relationship

I hope this article can help you to feel normal in this process of saying goodbye to this relationship.  

Secondly, you explained that you are letting go of this relationship for the sake of your future.  This is a very hard and mature step to take. It is very powerful step to know that you had to say goodbye to something familiar and good for you for the last six years to step into a future desire and need.  It is important that you keep in the fore front of your mind your reasons for this big decision.  I am sure you are struggling with doubt and questioning and wondering about if it was wise for you to do this.  So please keep in your mind why you chose to take this big step for your future.  That may be something to fall back on when you are struggling. 

Third, you explained that you don't have control over your thoughts and you don't know what to do about it.  I wonder what it is about your thoughts that is the deep struggle for you.  You did not explain more about what your thoughts are centered so I am not sure how to help you completely.  

I also wonder if you have allowed yourself time and space to express the emotions connected to saying goodbye to this partner of yours?  Have you allowed yourself time to cry, be sad, angry, disappointed, etc?  If you have not allowed your body to feel and be with those deep emotions connected to saying goodbye to this deep relationship, your mind may be going very fast and intensely because it is longing for an emotional expression.  I have seen this in many of my clients in their loss.  If they do not allow themselves to cry and be honest about the depth of emotions, they get stuck having their emotions coming out in anxiety, depression, anger, addiction and or physical health issues.  I encourage you to find a safe place to speak honestly about your thoughts and what you are feeling and thinking.  

Lastly, I wonder if it is time to have yourself connect with someone to have them support you in this loss.  You can seek out therapy, You can seek out a mentor or personal wellness coach.  Some folks like to talk to their spiritual guides.  When we are spinning in our own minds and body's, it is wise to reach out to be heard by others and cared for well.  Many times in our lives, especially when there is high emotion, we struggle to see what we need and how to care for ourselves. AND when we turn to people who are trained in emotional wellness, they can help you see things you can't right now.  

I hope that you are able to have compassion and kindness towards yourself during this very painful time.  I hope you seek out the support that can come alongside you well in the midst of the pain and struggle.  Your body is telling you that you need that support, and it is not wise to do this alone.  Seek out help!

I am glad you are asking for guidance and I wish you the best of luck!

Paula