I don't know how to behave and react to the situation my boyfriend and I are going through.

Good afternoon Ziana! Thank you so much for sharing your question and I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are going through in your romantic relationship.

It sounds like you are feeling a bit left out and invalidated since your partner's mom passed away a few months ago. You mentioned feeling like he is careless regarding priorities of the romantic relationship and struggling to think and prioritize quality time with you during his grief.

I want to let you know that it is very normal for behavior patterns to be sporadic and change after an intense loss, like a loss of a parent. Unfortunately, grief takes time and does not happen in a nice linear fashion. I think it would be helpful to explain a bit with you about the stages of grief so you can understand what your partner is going through.

Now remember, although I will share these in a specific order grief does not usually follow this nice, linear pattern. Likely you will see your partner go through multiple of these stages and transition back and forth between the emotional episodes, and this is very normal. In the beginning of this process, your partner is adjusting to a life without his mom and probably even questioning his own identity and 'who I am without the context of my parents,' which can be tough.

• The first stage of grief is shock and denial. You might find your partner forgetting that his mother is no longer here, making plans to call her or feeling a sense of denial that her loss is present as well. This is natural and can happen at any stage in the grieving process, even when time passes.
• The second stage of grief is bargaining. There is a lot of questioning during this stage of "what could've been done" and possibility of shame spirals, what if's coming to fruition, and questioning the circumstances around the death. You might hear your partner say "If only XYZ" this is a good sign the bargaining stage is present.
• The third stage of grief is depression and hopelessness. Sometimes this looks like withdrawal from people, places, and things that used to bring a sense of comfort (like the romantic relationship). An overall sense of numbness, lack of motivation, hopelessness and change in habits and routine can be very alarming, but this is all a part of your partner adjusting to a life without his mom in it.
• The next stage of grief is anger. This can look like anger towards the loss or sometimes is projected onto people, places, and things the person who is grieving feels safe enough to express the anger with (and possibly could be within the romantic relationship as well). Anger stems from the feeling of being helpless, powerless, and lack of sense of control after a loss that this brings and is very normal.
• The fifth and final stage of grief is eventually acceptance. Eventually your partner will be able to adjust to a life without his mom, and restructure his meaning around the loss to bring a sense of comfort and normalcy back into your life. This takes time, and does not happen overnight. You may see your partner have glimmers of acceptance and then spiral back into hopelessness, anger, or something else and this is all perfectly normal.

Healing from grief is really tough to do in isolation, and it might be helpful to encourage your partner, if he is not already, to look into individual counseling for himself or even grief support groups to connect and normalize his experience. When you are isolated from a sense of understanding, it encourages shame around these behaviors and feelings and makes it harder to heal long term. It can be helpful for your partner to have a place to talk about these things in a safe, comforting, validating environment.

Another thing to think about is: although you did not have as much of a close relationship with your partner's mom as him, you are still going through a grieving process here as well! You are grieving not only the loss of your partner's mom, but the sense of normalcy, routine, and structure and stability that was present before the loss as well. It is important to hold space for all of your own individual feelings, needs, and grief waves as you navigate this important transition with your partner as well.

It might be helpful to think about signing up for therapy services for yourself to have a safe, validating, and supportive environment to get support as you are deciding what to do about the next steps in your relationship. If you want to continue the relationship or not is a tough decision, and will take some time and reflection to make the decision that is right for you. Having support with a counselor makes it easy to be open with someone who is not attached to the outcome and nonjudgmental about this experience overall.

BetterHelp makes it easy to sign up for counseling services and matches you with 24-48 hours with a therapist that is right for you! Based on an intake assessment you will complete when signing up, you are matched with a counselor with your preferences and needs in mind and can begin quickly! There are many benefits BetterHelp has that you may not get in a traditional therapy setting like the ability to message your counselor anytime, anywhere from the comfort of your own device! Much of the work you are doing in treatment is implementing strategies, so being able to connect between sessions can be pivotal for clients who have struggled with therapy in the past.

Whatever you choose, remember you do not have to do this alone, and healing in isolation is very difficult! You made a big step reaching out and asking this question today! Give yourself the gift of healing and sign up for services through BetterHelp today! I wish you best of luck in your journey!