I don’t really have a question.. I just know I needed to reach out for help…

Hi K,

First and foremost congratulations on 5 years of sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment that takes a lot of work on the daily to be able to maintain. Be proud of yourself for every day that you are able to continue on this journey and stay sober. And if by some chance when you read this, you have hit a stumbling point on this journey, do not beat yourself up and know that you are doing the absolute best that you can each and every day. 

Working through grief in and of itself can be a hard thing to work through. Grief is universal but also unique in that no two people will experience grief in the same way. Everyone grieves differently. Although others may have opinions about how to grieve correctly, your grief is yours and yours alone. Some people need to express their grief, while others prefer to process in silence. Some feel anger, while others feel sadness, numbness, or relief. Everyone has different reactions to loss, and different needs during the grieving process.

The circumstances around the loss have a major impact on how we process the grief we feel. If the death was unexpected or we are dealing with certain existing circumstances such as family dynamics or other factors, this can complicate the grieving process

You may have heard of the "5 stages of grief" which are: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This can often be a helpful framework to refer to when we talk about grief, but keep in mind the point that everyone grieves differently. We may experience all of these stages, some, or none. We may experience them in any order and even repeat some of the stages. There is also no prescribed time frame for what our grief journey looks like. In other words there is no such thing as "grieving wrong" despite what other people may be telling you. 

In addition to the stages of grief another helpful framework in this discussion is what is referred to as "the Tasks of Mourning". This too is a framework with no exact way or timeframe to navigate. Often, the tasks are broken down as follows.

The first task of mourning is to accept the reality of the loss both on an intellectual and emotional level. Sometimes we struggle with one of these planes or both. It can often be difficult to recognize the significance of the loss as well.

The second task of mourning is to process the pain of grief. In this task we name the emotions that we are feeling and let ourselves feel the emotions rather than trying to bury them. This is often easier said than done. Our brains are pre-wired to minimize pain and maximize pleasure, so often mechanisms kick in to help keep us from the pain associated with the feelings around the loss.

The third task of mourning is to adjust to the world without the person this lost. This involves changes on multiple levels; practical, spiritual, and emotional. There may have been things that your brother was responsible for prior to his passing that you have now had to take on. That is one type of adjustment. Often we find ourselves challenging our worldview or belief system as we through this task as well.

The fourth task is remembering our loved one while moving forward with our life. Sometimes it feels like, as you described, we are stuck in a pattern that feels like we can't move on. In this task we start to find ways how to do that very thing while still honoring the person that we have lost

When you layer things like anxiety, depression, and trauma on top of the grieving process, it can make things seem unbearable as these are areas that are challenging to begin with. Something very interesting to consider when we are talking about things like these is that there are actually two components to our experience: the cognitive or thought related piece and the physiological or somatic piece. 

When we interact with our environment in some way, the brain processes this information using many complex structures. One of the very first structures involved in this processing is the Amygdala who's sole purpose is to determine if something is a threat. This structure in the brain is what has helped us to survive for as long as we have as it helps to keep us safe. If, for example, we are about to step off a curb into traffic, the Amygdala will send a signal of "danger" and keep us safe. Where this process goes a bit awry is that this part of the brain cannot distinguish between physical danger and a thought that feels dangerous. For example, if knowing that I have unopened email is something that is stressful, my Amygdala responds in the same exact way as if I was to step off a curb. In this case the response is not so helpful.  

There are ways to counter act this "revving up " of our brain's warning system. When we are able to send the brain a message that we are actually indeed safe, it will start to rev down the nervous system response. A structure that is integral to this is the Vagus nerve. One of its main purposes is to rev down the nervous system.

There are several ways to activate the Vagus nerve.  One of the most straightforward ways is through deep breathing. When we breathe diaphragmatically, or what's known as belly breathing, we fill all the chambers of our lungs with air. This in turn takes up space and this very shifting of things helps to press on the Vagus nerve and activate it. 

Place a hand on your belly and take a slow and steady breath in until you feel your belly rise. Hold it for a moment and then exhale slowly feeling your belly fall. You will actually be able to feel your body start to physically relax. As your body relaxes the message is sent to the Amygdala that it does not need to "sound the alarm".

Working on anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief involve a combination of cognitive and somatic tools which allow us to "rewire" the way our systems respond to particular thoughts. What this actually means for you is that the stuckness that you are experiencing will not last forever, rather it is simply something that is "just for now". 

Please know that you are not alone and that there are many kind, caring individuals who would find it an honor to walk beside you in your journey if you would like some company