I just lost my dad 1 month ago and I cannot stop crying

Hi Sunny,

First let me say how terribly sorry I am to hear that you dad has died.  I am glad that you were able to be there for his last breath and hold his hand.  Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things that can happen to a person.  On the one hand, most of us on some level realize that our parents are going to die before us, but our parents were one of our biggest social supports.  You didn’t just lose your dad, but you lost one of your biggest social supports, and no one is likely to ever fill the shoes of your dad.  Your dad was with you from the moment that you were born, and now he is gone.  You might even feel abandoned or isolated that your dad has passed; this situation is a tough thought for anyone. 

Please, please go easy on yourself.  You just went through one of the toughest things in your life.  Anyone in your situation would be crying, and you are just human.  The good thing is that you are crying so much, and that shows to me just how much you cared for your dad, and likely how much he cared for you.  Many experts consider grieving to be normal for 10% as much as you knew your dad.  If you are 30 years old, expect to be actively grieving for him for 3 years.  If you are 50 years old, expect to be actively grieving for him for 5 years.  These are just the minimum.  If the situation was sudden, accidental, or traumatic in any way, you might have to double your grieving time.  Please take as much time as you need in the grieving process.  In our modern culture, people are expected to be back at work almost immediately, and that is a problem for everyone.  Some cultures would have an open grieving for a minimum of a week to a month where everyone was expected to cry for that entire time frame.  So, for you to be crying a month later is not only normal but also healthy for you. Crying is one of the healthiest ways to grieve, and I am glad that you are crying.  Please cry as much as you want. 

While you mentioned that you were crying during your grief, please expect other emotions to show up during the grieving process.  Most dads are not perfect and you are not perfect either, so expect a wide range of emotions to show up in the grieving process.  You might remember a time that you were mad at your dad for something that he did to you or that you did to your dad.  It is perfectly healthy to have these different emotions as you go through the process of thinking about all of the different interactions that you have had with your dad.  You might even feel numb at times, but please go gentle on yourself again. 

Grieving is different for everyone, and everyone had a different relationship with their dad.  Based on your relationship with your dad and your relationship with yourself, your grieving process will be different.  Please don’t let anyone tell you that you should or should not have any emotion toward your dad during the grieving process.  Some people may mean well when they try to tell you how to grieve, but more than likely, the they will hinder you from going through the grieving process. 

Here at BetterHelp, we have a goodbye letter that many people utilize for their grieving process, and all of the clients that I have had have found this goodbye letter to be beneficial to them.  Any quality goodbye letter will have many of these topics.  The important thing is to write about the things that you remember him and you doing together.  While at times, you will want to focus on some negative things, as you work through the grieving process, you will want to focus more on the positive things that happened between you and your dad.  Most of us had dads that taught us many things, so try to be grateful for the many things that your dad taught to you.  It is also perfectly acceptable for you to write multiple goodbye letters to your dad.  You might want to write one now to him, but also write a second one the first anniversary of his death.  You might also want to write a goodbye letter to him every year on the anniversary of his death.  

One of the most important things for you to do is to develop a social support network, and you will probably want a wide variety of people in your social support network.  Your social support can include anyone that is trying to help you through the grieving process.  Many people will include not only their family and friends, but also people from church, co-workers, and even next door neighbors.  The only important thing is that they want to see you get better, and I am sure that over time, you will start to get better.  You will likely want some of the social support people to be in person, over the phone, or even on the internet.  People that are gentle and supportive of you are the ones that you should slowly gravitate towards.   

The final and probably the hardest thing for you to do is to find meaning in the death of your dad.  You probably don’t want to try to try this too early.  When you can find meaning in the death of your dad, you will likely be able to find meaning in life again.  Right now, you might not have much meaning in life, but don’t worry, that is just part of the grieving process.  At no point during the grieving process should you be hard on yourself or allow others to be hard on you.  Always remember that gentleness and kindness are the best way to go through the grieving process. 

Paul Teska, LPC + LCDC