I want to know if you can help me through my grief. I don't understand how I am feeling.

My condolences for the passing of your sister. How very sad for you and your family. With her death being sudden, it can be a shock for you and result in a variety of feelings, such as shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, regret, denial, sorrow, numbness, and so many more. It’s understandable that you aren’t quite sure how you feel, as your feelings may be ebbing and flowing, and as you stated, you feel “pulled under”. Grief is a heavy burden to carry and yes, it can be described as your heart aching. It’s common to feel physically tired, as our minds, heart, and body are all intertwined. Plus, you wrote that you are caring for or helping to care for your nieces/nephews.

It can be helpful to express your emotions. Keeping them bottled up is not healthy. For instance, crying is one way to release your sadness, if you cry (not everyone cries when they are sad). If you have a healthy support system (family, friends, church congregation), please reach out to them for support and talk about what you’re going through. If you feel more isolated or don’t feel comfortable asking for support or asking someone to listen to you and your feelings, journaling your feelings or participating in online support groups can be beneficial. If you don’t enjoy journaling, drawing and painting are other outlets for your feelings, as examples.

Another technique to help with grief is making sure to take good care of yourself – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Self-care and coping techniques can be helpful here. Deep breathing, journaling, being kind to yourself, healthy eating, and making time for relaxation are some ideas to help proactively manage the stress that accompanies grief. Finding time for your hobbies can help ‘take your mind’ off your grief, as taking a break from grieving can give you a reprieve. Self-care and coping strategies should be tailored to what works for you, as each person is unique. This may take some trial and error to find what is effective for you for your self-care and coping techniques for your grieving.

You may have heard this before – grieving is personal. Each person grieves in their own way. There’s not “one way” to grieve. And, grieving takes time – there’s no set time line for when you are ‘done’ grieving. And, given your sister passed away suddenly, your grief may take longer to process. And, your grief may be triggered when you least expect it. Remembering your fond memories of your sister may be one way to help you grieve or doing an activity that you did together or that you both enjoyed doing can help you process your feelings.

It may be helpful to work with a therapist for your grief. Your therapist can help you explore your grief and concerns, listen to you and provide emotional support, and offer suggestions to address your grief and other concerns. He/she will listen to you and offer ideas and perspectives to help with your feelings. I would be honored to work with you, if you’d like.

Another suggestion are the Groupinars at BetterHelp. The Groupinar topics change every so often, so it’s helpful to check back every couple of weeks to see what’s been added, for instance to see if there’s a webinar on grief and loss.

I wish you well on your grieving and healing journey. You are not alone – help and support are within reach at BetterHelp. So, please reach out to your therapist for more help.

In wellness – Dr. Sally Gill, LMFT