Is there a way to overcome and build a relationship with a child that is not yours biologically?

Hi Raven,

I am glad you are reaching out during this difficult time in your life, as well as your boyfriend's.  I am sorry to hear about the emotional pain you are each experiencing and the struggles the two of you are going through together.  I am going to provide some information that I am hoping is beneficial to the situation.

There are several stages of grief and no one experiences grief the same.  The five stages are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.  There is no set time limit for each stage or set order and people can go in and out of each stage.  It sounds like this is overwhelming your boyfriend and making it difficult to focus on other things.  I am wondering if he may be willing to look to see if there are any in person or virtual support groups for him to attend.  Peer support can often be different than professional support.  His grief may be so overwhelming he cannot see between the clouds to work on improving his communication with you at this time or being there for your daughter.

Grief and death impact everyone differently and often it does make people wonder and question things when people are taken away from us with no obvious reason, no reason that makes sense.   Grief, like anything else, should not be an excuse not to do things, however, understanding it may make it easier to see why he is struggling.  Your boyfriend also has to want to (in your words) step up and be there for your daughter as a father figure.  I am wondering if he was able to do this prior to his sister's passing or if it is something he has always struggled with?  Only you can answer that question.  He may need more than just your support while he is grieving, he may need professional and peer support.  It does not mean you are not providing him with what he needs, it simply means, one person cannot provide another everything which is the case in all relationships.

Grief can also impact a person's stress level and impact them physically.  There is a science behind how emotions work in the brain.  I say that to say,  grief can impact a person on a whole level and not just in one dimension.

You may also need peer support.  It can be exhausting at times supporting someone who is dealing with grief and you may be questioning things as well.  There are support groups for spouses or significant others of those dealing with similar situations.  Again--just another idea for you to consider.

I am glad to hear he is willing to talk to someone with you to work on communication skills between the two of you.  That is huge.  It does not have to be a long, ongoing thing, it could simply be a few sessions or meetings to help you two iron out how to communicate better.  In my opinion, communication is something that people should always be working on to improve, it is not just a one time thing and done, it is ongoing throughout any relationship.  There are so many tools and skills the two of you could learn (as with anyone).  There are love languages, there are ways to learn how a person wants to be apologized to and there are fair fighting rules, all which are beneficial to any couple.

Something to consider is that all behavior has meaning.  I am just using this as an example, if one of you lashes out at the other while communicating, what need is that person meeting?  Is that person feeling defensive or attacked or inadequate?  Is the arguing telling you two something else that is not being discussed?

I hope this information was helpful and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica