Should I have so much guilt? Why do I feel bad? I’m hurting a lot.

Hi Liza,

First of all I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately, grief is complicated regardless of the current terms of the relationship, or whether or not the death was expected. It is obvious that you two had a very special bond from connecting and falling in love at a young age, committing to one another, navigating addiction and then eventually developing what sounds to be a truly persevering friendship. The thing about grief is that no matter how it may present for you, as we all experience and learn to cope with it differently, is that while you are grieving you are also attempting to simultaneously proceed and enjoy your own life. This can be way more challenging than one may think and at times causes a lot of unanticipated inner conflict.

However, to answer your initial question I cannot tell you how you should feel because there are no right or wrong feelings. You may have even experienced rapid or swift changes within your feelings, and that is ok too. It can be hard to normalize the chaos that comes with the ups and downs of grieving sometimes. I can assure you that guilt is a common response to losing those close to us. Although it is not one of the official stages of grief it is one on the anticipated perspectives that the logic part of our brain goes to when we lose a loved one. Many people who are grieving feel guilty about past instances, not doing enough, not spending enough time or being able to enjoy things that the deceased no longer can. Please know that the if's, and's and but's are also very common, and relationships of any nature are always complex and layered in general. It is human to think about how things may have played out differently under various circumstances but you do not want to be so critical of yourself considering you did what you felt was best for you at that time and have no control to change any of it at this point.

Your specific guilt appears to be in regards to moving on or potentially even replacing something that you once had with him. There is nothing wrong with having these thoughts, but it is something that I would highly recommend exploring so that you are able to fully enjoy your new union as you deserve to! I would love to help you further address the feelings that you are experiencing as well as how it is impacting your current relationship. Sometimes we have to acknowledge our feelings, process them and make sure that they are not impacting our actions or decisions in ways that cause us further pain. With that being said that is something that may require space, guidance and time to sort through. I am hoping that you are not too hard on yourself for owning how you truly feel because that takes courage. I hope this helps, and I am here to assist if you would like to discuss these dynamics further.