What does grief really look like?

                Thank you for your question, reader. According to grief specialists John James and Russell Friedman, grief is the “normal and natural reaction to loss.” This definition is somewhat broad, so I’ll discuss what the process of grieving can be like to experience. A well-known theory by psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is one that many people are familiar with. Through her research, she described the process of grief as having stages: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. This theory suggests that grievers move through each of these stages as they heal. The term denial refers to feelings of confusion and disbelief that can occur after a loss and thoughts that the loss cannot really have happened. Bargaining refers to thoughts that the griever could have done something to prevent the loss from happening along with feelings of guilt. Grief-related anger involves thoughts that the loss is not fair or other thoughts that can trigger anger. The anger may be directed inward, towards a specific person, or broadly toward the world at large or at higher power. The term sadness likely speaks for itself when it comes to grieving; it describes the natural deep sorrow and emptiness accompanying loss. The term acceptance refers to feeling more at peace and lightening the heaviness and sorrow of grief. Generally, acceptance of the loss comes after processing the more painful emotions.

                More recent research on grief, like the work of James and Friedman, depicts grief as a bit more complicated and based on individual differences. They posit that while grief often takes on a pattern of thoughts and feelings like Kubler-Ross outlined, there is not a neat, step-wise process that grievers go through. They have discovered that people move in and out of certain emotions, sometimes feeling anger and sadness simultaneously, for example. They suggest that not all grievers will feel all of the ways that more rigid models of grief define. James and Friedman’s theory is based on identifying what feels unresolved after losing something or someone precious. They say that by working on completing what feels like unfinished business, grievers can heal.

                If you are having difficulty moving forward after a loss, it could be helpful to work through your grief with the support of mental health professional.