How to deal with the fear for the future, guilt,fear to never succeed,concern about others’ opinions

I feel like everything I am trying to achieve is taking so much time, it takes much more time and is much more difficult than I thought. I feel like I have to fight all the time to get what I want, although it hasn’t always been like this. Since the pandemic started, I have been experiencing a difficult financial situation. Now I am studying something interesting, and I really enjoy it, but I am behind as I tend to do everything very slowly but thoroughly. But I feel like everyone around me is more successful than I am. And I have a fear that I will never achieve anything, or that it will happen after a very long time and with great difficulties. And I really want to become a successful and make money doing what I really enjoy.

My another issue is that I broke up with my ex quite a long time ago, and these days I’ve been thinking about them quite a lot. I feel very guilty for the fact that I made some terrible mistakes in our relationship, and I never told them about it. I don’t know what to do with it.

Plus I am in general quite an anxious person and often worry what other people think of me. I want to deal with it too
Asked by Ashley
Answered
12/05/2021

Dear Ashley, 

you asked a multi-prong question: 

1. Why is it so hard for me to achieve my goals? 

2. How do I process the guilt that I feel from my past relationships? 

3.  How do I stop worrying about what people think of me? 

 

I will answer each question separately.  Here are my responses:

1. According to Freud, the unconscious ignores time. And the inability to set deadlines is a sign that an event from the past continues to work the individual, to the point of contaminating his current life. Because he does not manage to move on, he condemns himself to ignore the demands of temporality. In fact, he cannot maintain his desires because, in order to unfold, they need barriers, such as the fear that it will soon be too late to achieve them. Those who suffer from this situation often complain of breakdowns in motivation. Not going through with one's undertakings also allows one to escape this test of truth which is the confrontation with reality. As long as we have not reached the goal, it is as if anything is possible. this "tip" In particular, allows perfectionists "to continue to believe that they are brilliant and have unlimited potential". It's a way to protect yourself from disappointments, to protect yourself, from a narcissistic point of view.

2. Guilt is defined by a more or less intense emotional state where one, through the filter of his or her perceptions and his or her moral beliefs, is convinced of having acted badly. Thus, perceived as the violation of a moral rule in the system of his or her values, guilt generates more or less deep remorse and instills an intention to repair "the bad actors" or more precisely the damage caused by this action. or this behavior. It presents itself as an emotion bordering on shame and embarrassment.

Answer the question "What exactly do I feel guilty about?" Allows you to put words to this emotion. To better understand it, nothing like writing: write in a notebook what you feel, the facts that led you to this feeling, and the consequences on your personal environment. Let your mind speak as freely as possible, without judgment. What was your real intention when you acted against your standards? Intention to harm, the act of revenge, malice, accident, taste for risk ... Have you experienced any form of relief or pleasure? Be honest. There is nothing wrong with accepting your bad side. Not to recognize it is to deny human nature. Everyone has the right to make mistakes. Ask yourself the question: in what state was I, at the time of "taking action"? The state of nervousness and excitement can supplant the rational brain. The impulse then takes over reason. This is how we are led to adopt inappropriate behavior. What concrete consequences followed the act that made you feel guilty? List everything that resulted: for you, but also for the person (s) affected as well as for your loved ones. Indeed, it is important to understand the extent as well as the impact of your actions. Again, to err is human. Behavior or an act can be reprehensible but what is even more so, is not to seek to repair. You became aware of having behaved badly, then analyzed the causes and consequences for you and those around you. Changing your perspective has allowed you to take a step back. How to repair the damage? It is not enough to feel bad and apologizing. Making restoration helps heal from feeling guilty. 

3. We all want to be loved and appreciated for our many talents, our keen intelligence, our good nature, our bright personalities. But when we start to depend on what other people think of us and we put their opinions at the heart of our success, we get into trouble. We begin to shape our lives to suit the expectations of others and from there we enter a vicious cycle. When we hand our power over to others and admit that their impressions become how we are viewed, we lose who we really are. The only reality we can see is how we think others see us. When you focus on what's important, you think less about your individual role and more about the big picture. It takes the focus of others away from you individually. People spend more time thinking about themselves than thinking about others. If they are expressing an opinion about your life, it's probably not something they've thought about a lot but just a fleeting idea. Another person's opinion is often based not on your beliefs and behavior, but on theirs. What is good for them can be terrible for you, or vice versa. Be who you want to be from your own perspective. No one else is living your life. They might have opinions or ideas, but the only person who knows what's best for them is you. And that means you have to learn about yourself through your own mistakes and failures. Stop asking people what they think of you. Stop worrying about their opinions, especially if they are critical, unsuccessful, or unhappy. Most of the time, negative reactions come from negative people. Are you too sensitive for your own good? Do you get off to a flying start if people say things about you that you know are not true? It is easy for a sensitive nature to inflate things out of proportion, but try to build yourself a thick armor that keeps you unmoved. Overinterpreting can lead you to think that you are being judged when you are not. And even when it isn't, you impact in your own way. Learn to recognize this overeating and replace it with positive thoughts. Not all returns have the same value ...For important decisions, you may want to seek the opinions of people you trust - and forget about others. Choose people who know how to give constructive and specific feedback. It is impossible to live according to everyone's expectations, don't waste yourself trying to achieve it. Enjoy yourself and let others enjoy it as they can. Some people may not like you. And that's OK. Never allow the opinions of others to reach you too deeply because people can change their mind at any time. If you've over-invested in a previous opinion, it can leave you in awe when the person changes their mind. Life is an echo: What you project comes back to you. Caring too much about what other people think of you can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that ultimately directs your behavior and thoughts. When you worry about what other people are saying or thinking, you tend to miss very important present moments. Conversely, when you are really focused on the present moment, you tend not to worry about what will come later, including judgments. Accept yourself for who you are and be in the moment. Look for someone whose self-respect you admire to help point you towards yours. A guide can help alleviate your lack of confidence and help you anticipate your future for the better. Reset the clocks you can't stop or go back in time. At the end of the day, we really only have one life and life is short. Do you really want to spend even precious moments of that time worrying about what other people are thinking? Live a life where others tell you what you want? Or should you decide for yourself who you are, what you want, and how you plan to go and get it? You have to make a conscious effort to let go of what other people think. It is an ability that must be practiced, like meditation. But once you really understand how to let go, you'll see the world in an entirely different way. People will love you, people will hate you, and none of it has anything to do with you. Make your own choices and live on those decisions, take full responsibility for what you do and how you do it. By doing this, you will gain the self-respect you need and the power to give yourself what you want, without blaming anyone for your mistakes.

 

I hope this helps you. I wish you a nice day.