What is guilt tripping?

Many of us are familiar with the term “guilt trip.” When someone tries to manipulate an outcome by playing on your emotions, they may be guilt-tripping you. The guilt trip is a way of communicating that isn’t direct, but in the aftermath of it, you may be able to clearly see how a person was using guilt to change your behavior or mindset about a situation.

Imagine that you’re behind on schoolwork and your friends invite you out for dinner. When you tell them that you’re not able to come along because of the schoolwork you have to finish, one of them responds: “You never come with us anymore, I guess you just don’t like spending time with us.”

Welcome to the guilt trip! The speaker attempts to use guilt to get you to change your stance. Maybe in this situation, you would have put your homework aside and gone, and the guilt tripper won. Maybe you stuck to your decision and yet still spent the evening worried about what your friends think of you, concerned they really think you don’t enjoy being with them.

The guilt trip can be an effective tool for people. They make their displeasure completely clear, verbally handing you a bag of their emotions and using language that puts the responsibility for fixing their feelings on you. Some people may employ the guilt trip intentionally, and others may not realize they’re doing it.

Guilt-tripping happens most often in close relationships due partly to the emotional ties to the other person involved. The effort may work but will lead to resentment in relationships over time. Changes and choices made from guilt can lead to a negative sense of obligation, anger, and resentment.

Guilt-tripping may look like this:

• Sarcastic or passive-aggressive commentary
• Giving the silent treatment
• Denying true feelings about a situation
• Body language like slamming things down, slamming doors, heavy sighs, eye rolls
• Pointing out all the things they’ve done for you in hopes you’ll do what they want you to

If you’re dealing with a guilt tripper, try:

• Listening to the real issue and responding to that. In the example from earlier, this may mean identifying their emotions, “I can tell you’re upset that I can’t come out. I definitely want us to talk about this situation.”
• Note where the guilt comes from to increase your compassion for the person while you try to set boundaries. Guilt trippers often feel taken advantage of, unequal in a relationship, or don’t know how to communicate their needs appropriately.
• Set and stick to boundaries.

If guilt-tripping leads to feeling manipulated, resentful, or out of control of your boundaries, visiting with a counselor can help you identify manipulation, identify areas where boundaries need to be created or strengthened, and strengthen communication skills that can help you get through guilt-tripping.