What to do about parents who guilt trip?

Asked by Anonymous
Answered
05/10/2021

Your relationship with your parents can be great, but naturally have moments of conflict.  Parents hopefully want what is best for their child, but they are not perfect and will make mistakes with their parenting at times.  One common tactic parents will use to guilt-trip their children into doing something they want them to do.  For example, if a parent wants their child to clean their room, they might repeatedly ask until the child feels guilty enough to go ahead and clean their room.  While this tactic can get the job done eventually, it can be pretty annoying for the child and even lead them to feel shame about themselves.  If you are dealing with a parent that guilt trips, one important step to take with them is to try and explain how their guilt-tripping makes you feel.  To communicate that, it would be best to not come across as accusatory and more from a place of explaining your own experience.  Forming your feelings in the form of an I-statement can help prevent coming across as accusatory. An I-statement is when you phrase your feelings as, “I feel _____ when you ____ because _____.”  Hopefully, that can help them understand how guilt-tripping makes you feel and to consider other tactics instead. 

As you approach this with your parents, it will be important to consider the solutions focused on.  Using the example above, you will need to make sure that while you are promoting them not to guilt-trip you, you are also promoting a solution around actually cleaning your room.  Otherwise, it will come across like you are just trying to get what you want without seeing their needs. 

If you try these tactics and your parents continue to guilt trip, it could be helpful to enlist outside help.  A friend, family member, and/or counselor could all be great options to help you all through these struggles.  Those people can hopefully help you and your parents understand more about what works and what does not work so that you all can get on the same page. 

(MA, LPC, NCC)