what to do when guilt keeps you from setting boundaries?

Many of us learn to be people-pleasers from a young age—we are taught through reward and punishment systems used by parents, educators, and peers what is desirable and undesirable behavior. In fact, we are often taught that being nice, giving, sacrificing, and caring are not only values to strive towards but an ideal to be glorified. Religious beliefs and values also reinforce these messages. However, what happens when you find yourself in a toxic, harmful, or dangerous situation with someone who does not care about your well-being or happiness? Or what happens when you find yourself overextended, tired, exhausted, sick, or with nothing left for yourself or those closest to you? It might be time to re-evaluate your priorities, relationships, commitments and begin to learn the art of setting healthy boundaries.

For those that have experienced verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, it may not have been possible or safe to stand up to your abuser. When an individual finds themselves in a threatening situation, the fight, flight, or freeze response in the brain is activated—higher, critical thinking becomes difficult, and primitive responses take over. It is quite common for individuals who have experienced abuse to be plagued with chronic feelings of guilt or shame. This can be problematic because often it is that very feeling of guilt or shame that causes us not to say “No,” continue to give too much, work too hard at our own expense, or continue to people-please. For these reasons, it can feel especially uncomfortable or even scary to begin to start setting boundaries. Still, it is an important step in learning to respect and take care of yourself.

There are different boundaries: time boundaries, physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries, emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries, and material/financial boundaries. Take inventory of these different types of boundaries and examine whether they are weak, healthy, or too rigid. If there are areas where your boundaries are strong, ask yourself if there is something you can take from this area of strength to help you begin to set boundaries in your area of weakness. The best way to learn to set boundaries is to practice. Begin to practice saying “No,” to smaller requests from people you trust or practice in the mirror. If there is a boundary that you are aware of that, you would like to start setting, write down what you might say, practice it, then pick the right time to set that boundary.

Recognize that when you change your behavior and begin setting boundaries with others, some might become upset, especially those who benefited from your poor boundaries. However, you are not responsible for others’ feelings, and true friends and allies will understand that you need to set boundaries. If you struggle with feelings of guilt that prevent you from setting a boundary, ask yourself how you would react if someone set a reasonable boundary with you or what a friend would think of this situation. Recognition of your inherent dignity and rights is important, and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of is not good for anyone, you, or the other person. If the other person tends to become violent, consult with a professional counselor, make a safety plan, communicate in a public space when others are present, and try to minimize any risk to your safety.